Audio Version (09:38
For many of us, networking is a dreaded activity. The idea of entering a room full of strangers, trying to strike up conversations, and attempting to “sell ourselves” feels uncomfortable, if not outright terrifying.
But why do we experience such strong discomfort when it comes to networking? In this article, we’ll delve into human psychology, particularly our deep-rooted need for social acceptance—a need that traces back to our earliest days as a species.
You’ll also learn three practical strategies to shift your mindset, build genuine connections, and network without the fear and awkwardness.
In the extended YouTube version, I discuss an additional four strategies. You can watch it here.
The Evolutionary Roots of Social Acceptance
As human beings, our need for social acceptance is embedded in our DNA. From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors depended on the tribe for survival. Being a part of a group meant safety, food, and protection from predators.
On the other hand, being ostracised or rejected by the group meant isolation, vulnerability, and, quite often, death. This dependency on the group created a powerful psychological mechanism: a deep need to fit in, to belong, and to be accepted by others.
This need for belonging is still very much alive today. Though modern society no longer requires us to be part of a tribe for physical survival, our brains have not evolved as quickly as our environment.
We still crave the sense of security that comes from belonging to a social group, and we still fear rejection. Networking, in many ways, puts us in a situation where we are vulnerable to the possibility of rejection, which can feel threatening to our sense of security and belonging.
Social Rejection and the Pain Response
Scientific studies have shown that the same regions of the brain that process physical pain are also activated when we experience social rejection.
A study by Naomi Eisenberger and her colleagues at UCLA revealed that when participants experienced social exclusion, their brains showed increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, a region that is also involved in the processing of physical pain.
This overlap between social pain and physical pain highlights why rejection feels so deeply uncomfortable—it is literally painful.
When we approach networking, we are opening ourselves up to the possibility of rejection, whether it’s someone dismissing our attempt at conversation or simply feeling like we don’t fit in with the crowd.
This potential for rejection activates the same neural circuits that respond to physical pain, which explains why networking can be so anxiety-inducing for many people.
The Fear of Judgment
Another major contributor to our fear of networking is the fear of judgment. When we network, we are essentially putting ourselves “out there” to be evaluated by others.
We worry about saying the wrong thing, appearing awkward, or not being interesting enough.
This fear of negative evaluation taps into our deep-seated desire to be liked and accepted. The thought of someone forming a negative opinion of us can feel like a threat to our social standing, which our brain still interprets as a risk to our well-being.
3 Strategies to Overcome a Fear of Networking
Understanding why networking feels so challenging is the first step toward overcoming the fear.
The good news is that there are several strategies that can help you reframe your mindset and approach networking with greater confidence and ease.
1. Shift Your Perspective: Focus on Connecting, Not Impressing
One of the main reasons networking feels intimidating is because we often put pressure on ourselves to impress others.
We think we need to say the perfect thing, appear highly competent, and come across as interesting and successful. This creates anxiety and makes networking feel like a performance.
Instead of focusing on impressing others, try to reframe networking as an opportunity to connect. The goal isn’t to be perfect; it’s to build genuine relationships.
Approach conversations with curiosity—ask questions, show interest in the other person, and look for common ground.
STOP MAKING IT ALL ABOUT YOU AND MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON!
Often people love to talk about themselves, so if you ask them questions, they will happily answer, which takes the pressure off you.
When I work with clients on their fear of networking, I recommend that they prepare questions beforehand, such as:
What company do you work for?
What job do you do?
What current challenges are you facing in your industry, company, or area of expertise?
They don’t have to be groundbreaking. Even bland questions like the following ones can be useful to break the ice:
How did you find the travel here today?
Have you been to this venue before?
What brings you here today?
Make it all about them and not you!
When you take the pressure off yourself to perform and instead focus on connecting, the experience becomes more enjoyable and less intimidating.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Networking often stirs up feelings of vulnerability, which can trigger negative self-talk. We might think, “What if I say something stupid?” or “What if they don’t like me?” This self-criticism only adds to the anxiety we feel.
Practising self-compassion can help you overcome these negative thoughts. Remind yourself that everyone sometimes feels nervous about networking and that it’s okay to make mistakes.
To be honest, we are all the centre of our own universe and place far too much weight on what others may think about us. However, most people will not give us a second thought afterwards because they’re too busy thinking about themselves!
So, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. When you approach networking with self-compassion, you’ll feel more at ease and more willing to take risks in your conversations.
3. Prepare and Practice
One of the best ways to reduce anxiety is through preparation. While you can’t predict exactly how a networking event will unfold, you can prepare certain aspects to make yourself feel more confident.
Practice introducing yourself, have a few conversation starters ready (as I mentioned earlier), and think about how you would answer those questions, too.
The more prepared you are, the less likely you’ll be caught off guard, which will help you feel more comfortable in social settings. To build your confidence, you can also practice networking in low-stakes environments, like with colleagues or at small social gatherings.
The Wrap Up
The fear of networking is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history, where social acceptance was crucial for survival. Our brains still interpret rejection as a threat, activating the same pain centres as physical injury.
However, by understanding these underlying mechanisms, we can begin to reframe our approach to networking and reduce the fear it often inspires.
Networking doesn’t have to be a painful ordeal. By shifting your perspective to focus on connection rather than perfection, practising self-compassion, preparing ahead of time, setting realistic goals, and using visualisation and grounding techniques, you can gradually overcome your fear and start seeing networking as an opportunity to build meaningful relationships.
Remember, everyone feels nervous about networking at times, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to be flawless; it’s to show up, be authentic, and engage with others.
With time and practice, networking can become less of a dreaded task and more of a rewarding experience—one that helps you grow both personally and professionally.
What Next?
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
