Audio Version (09:04)
You go into a conversation knowing exactly what you want to say. Something hasn’t been right. Someone’s behaviour has crossed a line. Or something just needs addressing.
Then… within minutes… everything shifts.
You find yourself explaining. Defending. Backtracking.
You walk away thinking, “What just happened there?”
They’ve made it feel like you’re the problem!
If that feels familiar, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced DARVO. Once you understand this pattern, a lot of things suddenly start to make sense.
To watch the extended YouTube version, where I also discuss why It Hits Even Harder If You’re Highly Sensitive and The Ripple Effect In Teams, click here.
What is DARVO?
DARVO stands for:
Deny
Attack
Reverse Victim and Offender
It’s exactly what it sounds like. Someone is challenged about their behaviour, and instead of taking responsibility, they flip it. Not subtly either. They properly flip it. Here’s how it usually plays out.
1. Deny
First, it didn’t happen. Or it didn’t happen like that.
“You’ve got the wrong idea.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
Even if you’re clear on what happened, they create just enough doubt to wobble you.
2. Attack
Then the focus moves to you.
“You’re always negative.”
“You’ve got an issue with me.”
“This is why people find you difficult.”
Now you’re no longer raising a concern. You’re defending yourself.
3. Reverse Victim and Offender
This is where it really flips.
“I feel attacked.”
“This isn’t fair.”
“I can’t believe you’re treating me like this.”
“Well, you’re no angel. Remember when you did [fill in the blank].”
Somehow, you’ve gone from raising an issue… to being the problem.
I See This Frequently
This isn’t rare. It’s not extreme. It’s not just “toxic workplaces”. I see this all the time in coaching. Clients come to me saying things like:
“I went in really clear and then suddenly, I felt like I was the problem, but I know I’ve done nothing wrong!”
“I ended up apologising, and I don’t even know why.”
That’s the impact of this pattern. It throws you off balance. Because you’re expecting a conversation about their behaviour, and suddenly you’re in a conversation about you and what you’ve done wrong.
What it Actually Looks Like at Work
Most of the time, DARVO doesn’t look dramatic. It shows up in everyday conversations. That’s why it gets missed. This is how it tends to look…
1. You Raise A Concern About Behaviour
Maybe it’s about communication, tone, missed deadlines, or something that didn’t sit right. Instead of engaging with it, you get:
“I never said that, it was you…”
“You’ve got unrealistic expectations.”
“You’re not perfect either.”
“What about when you did XYZ…”
Just like that, the focus has shifted.
2. You Try To Give Feedback
You’re trying to be helpful. You want someone to improve, and the response is:
“I thought you supported me.”
“This feels personal.”
“I can’t believe you’d say that.”
Now you’re managing their reaction rather than discussing the feedback.
3. You Raise How Something Made You Feel
Maybe someone spoke to you in a way that didn’t sit right, and you hear:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“I was just being honest.”
“Now I feel like I can’t say anything around you.”
“What about that time you said I was… [fill in the blank]”
So your experience gets dismissed and becomes the issue.
4. You Try To Hold Someone Accountable
This is where it can really escalate. Instead of owning what’s happened and they reply with:
“I’m being targeted.”
“This is unfair treatment.”
“I feel bullied.”
Suddenly, the stakes feel much higher.
Why It Messes with Your Head
The reason DARVO is so unsettling is that it creates CONFUSION. I talk about confusion quite a lot. Especially when discussing toxic, bullying or narcissistic behaviour. In my experience, it’s the No 1 read flag.
You go in with a clear sense of what happened. You come out questioning yourself. That gap between those two things is where people start to doubt themselves.
You replay the conversation.
You wonder if you said it wrong.
You question whether you should have raised it at all.
Over time, that has an impact.
You start to hold back.
You soften what you say.
Sometimes you stop saying anything altogether.
Not because you don’t see the issue, but because you’ve learned what can happen when you speak up.
Why People Do This
It is a defence mechanism. Being challenged feels uncomfortable, so the reaction is to deflect and protect. Other times, it’s more ingrained.
If someone has learned that flipping the narrative works, they’ll keep doing it. Because it gets them out of ACCOUNTABILITY, and that’s a huge driver for many people. They simply do not want to take accountability for their actions, so they will do anything they can to avoid it.
In some cases, this pattern is closely linked to traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That doesn’t mean everyone who uses DARVO has a personality disorder. But the behaviours do overlap.
If someone struggles to take responsibility, has a strong need to protect their image, or reacts badly to criticism, DARVO can become a go-to response. It allows them to avoid accountability while maintaining a sense of control and, in some situations, even gaining sympathy.
In workplaces where people already feel under pressure or worried about getting things wrong, this kind of behaviour can show up more. That doesn’t make it okay. But it does explain why it’s not uncommon.
The Subtle Signs People Often Miss
DARVO isn’t always obvious in the moment. But there are some patterns that tend to show up:
The conversation quickly moves away from the original issue
You find yourself explaining or defending, even though you raised the concern
You leave feeling confused instead of clear
The perpetrator ends up as the “victim”
Accountability never quite lands anywhere
One of these on its own might not mean much. But if you’re seeing it repeatedly, it’s worth paying attention.
Why This Resonates So Much
Every time I talk about this kind of behaviour, the response is huge. Because people recognise it. They might not have had the language for it before. They just knew something felt off, and there’s something really powerful about being able to say:
“That’s what that was.”
It takes it out of the space of “maybe it’s me” and puts it back where it belongs.
The Wrap-up
DARVO is one of those patterns that can completely change the direction of a conversation. It takes something straightforward and turns it into something confusing, emotional, and difficult to navigate.
It shifts focus away from behaviour and onto blame, defence, and self-protection, and if you’ve experienced it, you’ll know exactly how disorientating that can feel. Because once you can see the pattern clearly, things start to make a lot more sense.
In this article, I’ve focused on helping you recognise what’s going on when this happens. If you want to know what you can do about it, I’ve covered it in a separate video. You can watch it here.
What Next?
Again, to watch the extended YouTube version, where I also discuss why It Hits Even Harder If You’re Highly Sensitive and The Ripple Effect In Teams, click here.
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If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
