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This week, I received some feedback from a well-meaning individual that I took probably a little too personally.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I don’t prescribe to toxic positivity. I’ve never shied away from talking about my difficult childhood, my ADHD diagnosis and the challenges they often bring, despite all the self-development I do on mindset, positivity, well-being, resilience, etc.

Unfortunately, life is riddled with ups and downs, and I hope that sharing what I’m going through (and it’s not always positive) and the tools that I use to maintain my mindset and well-being will help others. I think we call that ‘authenticity’!

So, in today’s article, I thought we’d delve into the complex world of ‘feedback’. Incidentally, if you’re neurodivergent, there’s a little thing called ‘rejection sensitivity dysphoria’ that 100% feeds into this topic. I won’t discuss that in this article, but I’ve written about it previously, and you can read it here.

Receiving feedback is an inevitable part of both personal and professional growth. While constructive feedback can be invaluable, helping us to refine our skills and improve our performance, it can sometimes be challenging to discern whether feedback is genuinely helpful or merely a reflection of someone else’s issues or projections.

Learning how to deal with feedback effectively is a crucial skill that can significantly impact your development and well-being.

Understanding Feedback: The Good, The Bad, and The Projected

Feedback, at its best, is an insightful and objective evaluation intended to help you improve. Constructive feedback focuses on specific behaviours or outcomes, offers suggestions for improvement, and is delivered with a positive intent.

However, not all feedback is created equal. Sometimes, feedback can be tainted by the personal issues or biases of the person giving it. This is where the concept of projection comes into play.

What is Projection?

Projection is a psychological defence mechanism where individuals attribute their own undesirable traits, emotions, or thoughts to others. When someone projects, they might criticise you for qualities or behaviours that they actually possess but find difficult to acknowledge within themselves.

For example, a manager who feels insecure about their own leadership skills might criticise your leadership style harshly, not because it is flawed, but because it reflects their own insecurities.

How to Decipher Feedback

1. Evaluate the Source

Consider the person giving the feedback. Are they generally objective and fair, or do they have a history of projecting their issues onto others? Someone known for their emotional intelligence and constructive criticism is more likely to provide valuable feedback.

Conversely, if the feedback comes from someone who often criticises others harshly or is known for being overly negative, it might be tainted by their own issues.

In addition, be mindful that the person giving the feedback may have a vested interest in you doing what they want you to do and may be unhappy with how you’re performing/what you’re doing (especially if you’ve changed something).

2. Analyse the Content

Constructive feedback is specific, actionable, and focused on behaviours rather than personal traits. It provides clear examples and suggests ways to improve. On the other hand, feedback that is vague, overly critical, or personally attacking might be more about the giver’s projections than your actual performance.

3. Seek Multiple Perspectives

If you’re uncertain about the validity of the feedback, seek additional opinions from trusted colleagues, mentors, or friends. They can offer a more balanced perspective and help you determine whether the feedback is accurate and worth acting on.

4. Reflect on Your Own Reactions

Pay attention to your emotional response to the feedback. If it triggers a strong emotional reaction, such as defensiveness or anger, it might indicate that the feedback hit a nerve or touched on an area where you feel vulnerable. This doesn’t necessarily mean the feedback is invalid, but it suggests that it’s worth exploring further.

Strategies for Dealing with Feedback

1. Listen Actively

When receiving feedback, listen without interrupting or becoming defensive. Try to understand the feedback fully before responding. This shows respect for the giver and allows you to gather as much information as possible.

2. Ask for Clarification

If the feedback is vague or unclear, ask for specific examples. Clarifying questions can help you understand the intent behind the feedback and provide concrete areas for improvement.

3. Separate the Useful from the Useless

Not all feedback will be useful. After evaluating the source and content, separate the constructive elements from the unhelpful or projected ones. Focus on actionable suggestions that can genuinely help you improve.

4. Express Gratitude

Thank the person for their feedback, even if you don’t fully agree with it. Expressing gratitude fosters a positive environment and shows that you are open to receiving input.

5. Reflect and Plan

Take some time to reflect on the feedback. Consider how it aligns with your own self-assessment and goals. Develop a plan for addressing any valid points and setting specific, measurable objectives for improvement.

6. Maintain Boundaries

It’s important to protect yourself from feedback that feels more like a personal attack or projection. Politely but firmly set boundaries with people who frequently give unconstructive or overly negative feedback. Let them know that while you appreciate constructive criticism, personal attacks are not helpful or acceptable.

Dealing with Projected Feedback

When you suspect that feedback might be more about the giver’s issues than your own performance, it’s important to handle the situation tactfully.

1. Acknowledge Without Internalising

Recognise that the feedback might reflect the giver’s own insecurities, unresolved issues, or some other unconscious reason. Acknowledge their feelings without internalising the criticism. For example, you might say, “I appreciate your perspective. I’ll take some time to consider this.”

2. Stay Centred

Practise emotional grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, to stay calm and centred. This helps you respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.

3. Seek Objective Input

Share the feedback with someone you trust who can provide an objective viewpoint. This can help you determine whether there is any truth to the feedback and how best to address it.

4. Address the Underlying Issues

If you suspect that the feedback is rooted in the giver’s projections, consider addressing the underlying issues directly but tactfully. For instance, you might say, “I’ve noticed that you often give similar feedback to others. Is there something specific that you’re concerned about in our working relationship?”

Real-Life Applications

Imagine you receive feedback from a colleague who often seems critical of others. They tell you that your communication style is too aggressive. First, evaluate the source: does this colleague have a tendency to project their own issues?

Next, analyse the content: is their feedback specific and actionable, or is it vague and overly critical? Seek multiple perspectives by asking other colleagues for their thoughts on your communication style. Reflect on your own reaction: does the feedback trigger a strong emotional response?

If you determine that the feedback has some validity, even if it is somewhat projected, focus on the useful elements. Perhaps you could benefit from softening your tone or being more mindful of how your messages are received. Develop a plan to improve, such as attending a communication workshop or seeking mentorship in this area.

On the other hand, if you conclude that the feedback is primarily projection, acknowledge it without internalising it. Maintain your composure and continue to seek constructive feedback from more objective sources.

The Wrap-up

Dealing with feedback is a nuanced skill that involves discernment, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence. By understanding the potential for projection in feedback, you can navigate these interactions more effectively.

Evaluate the source and content of the feedback, seek multiple perspectives, and reflect on your own reactions. Separate useful feedback from the unhelpful, and maintain boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. By doing so, you can leverage feedback for personal and professional growth without being derailed by others’ projections.

By the way, I’m not saying that the person who gave me ‘feedback’ was projecting at all, but after much rumination, I’ve concluded that…

Often, feedback is just one person’s opinion, based on what they want, need or expect from you, and it’s entirely up to you whether you act on it or not!

What Next?

If you would like help with any of the topics I discuss in my articles, please contact me either through LinkedIn or email me at info@jobanks.net to arrange a complimentary 15-minute discovery call.

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As always, thanks for your continued support.

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