Audio Version (10:23)
What if the ‘difficult’ person you’re trying so hard to cope with is affecting your health? The anxiety. The exhaustion. The nights you can’t sleep, followed by days when you barely recognise yourself.
After 20 years researching bullying and toxic behaviour, and having experienced it personally, I’ve seen how much damage this can do to both mental and physical health.
In this article, I’ll discuss the signs people often miss because, when you’re focused on getting through the next encounter, you may not see what it’s costing you.
In the extended YouTube version, I also cover Your Confidence Begins to Disappear and Your Mind Rarely Gets a Break. You can watch it here.
Introduction
I’ve trained thousands of people in bullying and toxic behaviour awareness, coached people who have experienced coercion and bullying, and made more than 100 videos on these topics. Again and again, people tell me that they think they just need to be “stronger” or they need to “not take things so personally and everything will be fine”.
What they haven’t always considered is the strain of spending months, years or even decades choosing their words carefully, anticipating someone’s reaction and generally walking on eggshells. When that becomes normal, it’s easy to blame yourself for struggling rather than recognise what the situation is demanding of you.
What Do I Mean by “Toxic Behaviour”?
We all have bad days. We can be irritable, say something unkind or handle a disagreement badly. That alone doesn’t make someone toxic. What matters here is a repeated pattern of behaviour that leaves you feeling threatened, diminished, confused or responsible for managing someone else’s reactions.
That pattern might include:
Regular criticism, put-downs or humiliation.
Blame that always seems to land on you.
Intimidation, threats or attempts to control what you do, who you see, what you wear, what you spend, etc.
Unpredictable mood changes that leave you walking on eggshells.
Denying things they said or did, then telling you that you’re too sensitive (gaslighting).
Excluding you, undermining you or moving the goalposts whenever you succeed.
These behaviours can happen at work, at home, in a friendship or within a family. They don’t have to be loud to have an impact. Sometimes it’s the steady accumulation of smaller incidents that does the most damage.
Your Body Can Get Stuck on High Alert
Imagine working with someone whose reaction you can never predict. Before you ask a question, send an email or walk into a meeting, you find yourself assessing their mood. You prepare for several possible responses and think through how you’ll handle each one.
Your body is doing work too. When you anticipate a threat, your stress response helps you prepare to deal with it. That response is useful in the short term. The problem is that when the threat feels ongoing, it can be hard to switch off and recover. You may still be tense long after the interaction has ended.
You might notice yourself:
Holding your breath when their name appears on your phone.
Feeling your shoulders tighten as you approach work or home.
Jumping at a message notification.
Struggling to relax, even when they aren’t there.
Feeling strangely relieved when plans with them are cancelled.
You may not have connected these reactions to the relationship because each one seems small. Taken together, they can tell you a great deal about how much energy you’re spending trying to feel safe.
The Physical Symptoms Are Real
Persistent stress can show up in ways that are easy to dismiss as “just one of those things”. People I work with often describe feeling constantly tired, despite sleeping, or lying awake replaying conversations (especially at 3.00 am!). Others notice tension headaches, a tight jaw, stomach problems (including an increase in IBS or Crones symptoms) or a racing heart.
Common experiences include:
Difficulty falling asleep or waking during the night.
Fatigue that doesn’t improve much with rest or not matter how much sleep you get.
Headaches and muscle tension.
Digestive problems or changes in appetite.
Pain in your lower back or hips
Feeling physically on edge for no obvious reason.
These symptoms can have many causes, so it’s important to speak to a healthcare professional about anything new, persistent or worrying. Tell them what’s happening in your life as well as what’s happening in your body. Research on workplace bullying has found links to physical symptoms and mental health problems; the connection is too significant to wave away.
For more on symptoms, I recommend this video: How STRESS is affecting your LIFE:
Anxiety, Low Mood and Isolation Can Follow
When contact with someone repeatedly leaves you feeling bad, you may start arranging your life around avoiding them. Perhaps you dread Monday mornings, turn down social invitations or stop contributing in meetings. At home, you might withdraw because you’re too drained to explain what’s going on.
Watch for changes such as:
Dreading places or activities you used to manage comfortably.
Feeling anxious before contact and low afterwards.
Losing interest in things you normally enjoy.
Pulling away from friends or family.
Feeling that nobody will believe you if you explain.
Research has found a consistent association between workplace bullying and poor mental health, including anxiety and depression symptoms. That doesn’t mean every difficult person will cause a mental health condition. It does mean that repeated bullying and intimidation should be treated as a serious health concern, not simply a personality clash.
What Can You Do?
Start with what you can observe. You don’t need to decide whether someone is a narcissist or find the perfect label for their behaviour before you take its effect on you seriously.
Look at what happens, how often it happens and what has changed for you.
A few steps can help you get clearer:
1. Write down specific incidents. Record what happened and when, particularly if you’re beginning to doubt your memory or judgement. Keeping a record can help if someone repeatedly denies what happened and makes you doubt your memory; a form of manipulation known as gaslighting.
2. Notice your health patterns. Do symptoms worsen before contact or ease when you have time away?
3. Talk to someone you trust. Choose someone who will listen without rushing to explain the other person’s behaviour away.
4. Seek appropriate support. A GP can help you investigate physical symptoms and discuss your mental health. A therapist or specialist service may also help, depending on your circumstances. Alternatively, coaching with a trauma-informed coach (like myself) can also be massively useful.
5. Consider what needs to change. Boundaries may help, but they aren’t always enough when someone has power over you or responds badly to limits. If you’re experiencing coercion or feel unsafe, I recommend seeking specialist advice before confronting them. I have content coming up on Coercive Control, so make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss it.
You don’t have to solve the entire situation today. Taking the first symptom seriously, telling one trusted person or making an appointment can be a meaningful start.
The Wrap-up
Being around toxic behaviour can affect much more than your mood. It can disturb your sleep, keep your body tense, drain your energy, erode your confidence and make it harder to enjoy the rest of your life. These changes may happen so gradually that you don’t recognise how much you’ve been carrying until you get some distance from the situation or someone like me points it out!
If you’ve been telling yourself to put up with it because “it isn’t that bad”, look again at what it’s costing you. Your physical and mental health deserve attention long before you reach breaking point.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I also cover Your Confidence Begins to Disappear and Your Mind Rarely Gets a Break. You can watch it here.
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