Audio Version (09:50)
Have you ever looked at someone’s relationship with their manager or co-worker and thought, “Why are they still putting up with that? Why don’t they just leave?”
Maybe their manager monitors their every move, criticises them in front of colleagues or makes them feel guilty for leaving on time. Perhaps they’re excluded from meetings, given impossible deadlines or threatened with consequences if they speak up. Yet despite the effect it’s having on them, they still haven’t handed in their notice.
From the outside, leaving can look like the obvious answer. But when someone has been controlled for months or even years, the question isn’t simply, “Do I want to go?” It’s also, “What will happen if I do?”
Let’s look at what coercive control actually does to a person, and why leaving can be far more complicated than it appears. In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss coercive control in personal and family relationships. Click here to watch:
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that gives one person power over another person’s choices and freedom. It isn’t always loud or obvious, and it doesn’t have to involve physical violence.
It might look like:
Checking where you are and who you’re with
Making you feel guilty for taking time for lunch
Unreasonably controlling your expenses or blocking access to resources
Threatening what will happen if you don’t comply
Constantly criticising you until you doubt yourself
Making rules that seem to change without warning
Any one incident might be explained away. “They just want things to be right.” “They’re helping me develop.” “My manager has high standards.” But when the behaviour keeps happening, you may find yourself spending more and more of your day trying to avoid their reaction.
That’s when you start changing your behaviour before they’ve even said a word.
It Happens Gradually
If a prospective employer said at interview, “I’m going to micromanage you, take credit for your work and not give you the tools you need to do your job,” I think every candidate would walk away.
But that’s rarely how it begins. Attention can feel like affection. Constant contact can feel like being wanted. Their interference can sound like concern, and excessive monitoring can be dressed up as support.
The restrictions often arrive one at a time. They undermine you in a meeting, but you don’t say anything. They thank everyone else except you at the team meeting. You say yes to yet another unreasonable demand at work because you can’t face the fallout.
Each decision makes sense in the moment. Only when you look back do you realise how much of your life has become organised around keeping one person happy.
You Start to Doubt Your Own Judgement
One of the most damaging effects of controlling behaviour is how it erodes your confidence.
You raise a concern, and they tell you that you’re too sensitive. You remember a conversation clearly, but they insist it never happened. You try to explain how hurt you feel and somehow end up apologising for bringing it up.
Eventually, the question changes from “Why are they treating me like this?” to “Am I making too much of it?”
This is why gaslighting can be so effective. When someone repeatedly denies or distorts what happened, you can start to question your memory and perception. If you no longer trust yourself to judge what’s happening, how can you confidently decide it’s time to leave?
The Good Moments Keep You Hoping
Controlling people aren’t necessarily unpleasant all the time. There may be kindness, affection, humour and periods when everything feels normal again.
A manager who has spent weeks undermining you might praise your work in a meeting. A difficult colleague might be suddenly warm and approving.
You think, “Maybe they’ve finally understood,” and, of course, you want that to be true. You’ve invested a great deal in the relationship or the job. Hope can keep you there long after the pattern becomes clear to someone looking in from the outside.
Leaving May Feel More Dangerous Than Staying
In a toxic workplace, you may dread your manager’s emails, rehearse conversations in your head and check your work repeatedly because expectations seem to change every week. You know the situation is damaging, but you also know how that person reacts when they feel challenged or lose control.
So when somebody says, “Why don’t you just get another job?”, you may be thinking:
“What if I can’t find another role?”
“How would I pay the bills if I left?”
“Could they give me a bad reference?”
“What would happen if they found out I was looking?”
“Will they try to damage my reputation, even after I’d gone?”
These are practical concerns that need answers. Fear may reflect previous threats, retaliation you’ve witnessed or your own experience of what happens when you push back.
There’s also the effect on your confidence and energy. If someone has spent months or even years undermining you, you may start wondering whether another employer would want you. In addition, when getting through the working day takes everything you have, updating your CV and applying for jobs can feel overwhelming.
Leaving therefore involves more than deciding you’ve had enough. It can mean rebuilding your confidence, finding the energy to job hunt and planning a move while protecting your income and professional reputation.
Although the specific coercive control offence in England and Wales concerns intimate or family relationships, similar patterns of intimidation, isolation and control can occur at work. The legal context differs, but the difficulty of finding a way out deserves attention.
Your Brain Focuses on Getting Through Today
When you live with unpredictable reactions, you can become very good at spotting tiny changes in someone’s mood. Their tone sounds different. They close a door harder than usual. A short message arrives with no explanation.
Your brain starts asking, “What have I done? What’s coming next? How do I stop it?”
That constant watchfulness uses energy. Instead of thinking clearly about a six-month plan, you’re focused on getting through tonight’s conversation or tomorrow’s meeting. You may freeze, keep the peace or put off a decision until things calm down.
Then they do calm down, briefly, and the cycle starts all over again.
What Actually Helps?
If someone you know tells you they’re experiencing controlling behaviour at work, listen without immediately telling them to resign. They may already want to leave but need support working through their concerns.
You could ask:
“What are you most worried would happen?”
“Who could you trust to take this seriously?”
“What would make your next step easier?”
If you recognise yourself here, speak to a trusted colleague, union representative or independent adviser or coach like myself. Keeping a factual record of incidents and getting help with your CV or job search can also help you regain clarity and confidence.
I have a virtual training programme that takes you step by step through everything you need to find your next role, from writing a brilliant CV, job hunting, interview skills, etc. Click here for more information.
You don’t have to decide everything today. Start by getting support and understanding your options. I have a video on what to do if you think you’re being bullied at work. You can watch it here.
The Wrap-up
“Why don’t you just leave?” makes leaving a toxic workplace sound straightforward. But when someone’s confidence has been worn down, their income is at stake and they’re afraid of retaliation, moving on can take far more than deciding they’ve had enough.
Instead of asking why someone hasn’t left, ask what has made leaving so difficult and what support would help them regain their choices. Listening, taking their experience seriously and helping them explore their options can make a real difference.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I also discuss coercive control in personal and family relationships. Click here to watch.
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