Audio Version (09:42)
Most people think confidence is something you either have or you don’t. They believe some people are naturally confident while others spend their lives wishing they had more of it.
After coaching and training thousands of people over the years, I’ve come to a different conclusion:
Confidence isn’t something you have… It’s something you do.
That might sound like a small distinction, but it changes everything.
To watch the extended YouTube version of the article, where I also discuss ‘Looking Confident Isn’t the Same as Being Confident’, ‘Stop Broadcasting Uncertainty’, and ‘Focus On Others, Not Yourself’, click here.
Introduction
Many people spend years waiting to feel confident before they take action. They wait before applying for the promotion. They wait before starting the business. They wait before speaking up in meetings. They wait before setting a boundary. They wait before making a change.
The problem is that confidence rarely arrives before action. It usually arrives afterwards.
One of the ideas popularised by behavioural expert Chase Hughes is that confidence is largely a collection of behaviours that can be learned, practised and repeated until they become natural.
In other words, confident people don’t necessarily think differently first. They often behave differently first.
The Confidence Myth
When we look at someone who appears confident, we tend to assume they’re feeling calm, certain and self-assured on the inside. The reality is often very different.
Many successful people experience self-doubt, anxiety and uncertainty just like everyone else. The difference is that they don’t allow those feelings to dictate their behaviour. They’ve learned to separate how they feel from what they do.
This is an important lesson because many people unknowingly hand control of their lives over to their emotions.
If they feel nervous, they stay quiet.
If they feel uncertain, they avoid making decisions.
If they feel scared, they don’t take opportunities.
The result is that their confidence never grows because confidence develops through experience. Not through thinking about experience.
Why Most Confidence Advice Misses The Point
If you’ve ever searched online for confidence tips, you’ll probably have seen the same advice repeated over and over again.
Stand tall.
Make eye contact.
Use a firm handshake.
Speak slowly.
Smile more.
Take up more space.
To be fair, none of this is bad advice. In fact, these behaviours can make a difference. They can influence how other people see you and can even influence how you feel about yourself.
The problem is that many confidence experts stop there. They focus on helping people look confident rather than helping them become confident. That’s a bit like teaching someone how to look fit by buying smaller clothes instead of helping them build strength.
Someone can learn to maintain eye contact and still be terrified of rejection.
Someone can master powerful body language and still avoid difficult conversations.
Someone can have a strong handshake and still talk themselves out of opportunities.
The real question isn’t:
“How do I look confident?”
The real question is:
“How do I become the kind of person who trusts themselves to handle challenges?”
That’s where genuine confidence lives. This doesn’t mean body language is irrelevant. Far from it. How you carry yourself does affect how you feel and how others respond to you. The problem is when we mistake the symptom for the cause.
Competence Creates Confidence
There is a confidence shortcut that nobody likes talking about.
GET BETTER!
Many confidence issues are actually competence issues.
If you’ve never delivered a presentation before, it’s perfectly normal to feel nervous.
If you’ve never managed people before, uncertainty is expected.
If you’ve never started a business before, self-doubt comes with the territory.
The answer isn’t always positive thinking. Sometimes the answer is practice!
The more competent you become, the more evidence your brain collects that you can handle challenges. Real confidence grows from accumulated proof.
Every difficult conversation you have.
Every presentation you deliver.
Every challenge you survive.
Every setback you overcome.
Your brain begins building a library of evidence that says:
“I’ve handled difficult situations before. I can handle this one too.”
This is one of the reasons confidence often follows action rather than preceding it. You don’t become confident and then take action. You take action and become confident.
The Power Of Self-Trust
Most people think confidence means believing you’ll succeed. I don’t think that’s true. Real confidence is believing you’ll be okay even if things don’t go to plan. That’s a very different mindset.
Confident people aren’t convinced they’ll win every time.
They simply trust themselves to cope if they don’t.
They trust themselves to learn.
They trust themselves to recover.
They trust themselves to adapt.
This is why some people can walk into unfamiliar situations and appear completely at ease. It’s not because they know exactly what will happen. It’s because they know they’ll figure it out. That’s self-trust and self-trust is the foundation of confidence.
Collect Evidence, Not Opinions
Many people build their confidence on the opinions of others. That’s a dangerous strategy.
Opinions change.
Some people will support you. Others won’t.
Some will praise you. Others will criticise you.
If your confidence depends on external validation, you’ll spend your life on an emotional rollercoaster.
Instead, build confidence using evidence.
Remember the challenges you’ve overcome.
Remember the goals you’ve achieved.
Remember the difficult situations you’ve survived.
Remember the skills you’ve developed.
Facts are far more reliable than feelings. Every piece of evidence strengthens your belief that you can cope with whatever comes next.
Write them down. That way, your mind can’t take you away from the facts and into flights of negative fancy. It isn’t coincidence that when I get people who’ve lost their job to physically write down what they’ve achieved in the last 5 years, their confidence grows exponentially.
Act Before You Feel Ready
Perhaps the biggest lesson of all is this:
You don’t need confidence before action.
You need action before confidence.
Most people get this the wrong way round. They’re waiting for confidence to arrive before they make the phone call, have the conversation, apply for the job or take the opportunity. Meanwhile, confident people are taking action while feeling nervous. The confidence comes later.
Action creates evidence.
Evidence creates self-trust.
Self-trust creates confidence.
That’s how the process works.
The Wrap-up
The biggest problem with most confidence advice is that it focuses on appearances. It teaches people how to look confident rather than how to become confident.
Yes, body language matters.
Yes, posture matters.
Yes, eye contact matters.
But those things are only part of the story. Real confidence is built through action.
It’s built when you do the thing you’re nervous about.
It’s built when you stop avoiding discomfort.
It’s built when you repeatedly prove to yourself that you’re capable of handling challenges.
The people you admire aren’t confident because they never experience fear. They’re confident because they’ve learned that fear doesn’t have to make the decisions.
You don’t need to feel confident to act. You need to act despite uncertainty. Do that often enough and confidence stops being something you’re chasing. It becomes something you’ve earned.
What Next?
Again, to watch the extended YouTube version of the article, where I also discuss ‘Looking Confident Isn’t the Same as Being Confident’, ‘Stop Broadcasting Uncertainty ’, and ‘Focus On Others, Not Yourself’, click here.
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If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
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