Audio Version (09:44)
When we talk about abuse, we often focus on physical violence, but there’s another form that’s just as dangerous, if not more so, and it often flies under the radar: coercive control.
You may have heard this term recently, especially in high-profile cases like the trial of Rapper and mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs, where the terms “coercion” and “coercive control” have been frequently mentioned.
But what exactly does coercive control mean, and how does it affect people?
In this article, I’m going to break down what coercive control looks like, how it plays out in professional relationships, and why it’s so hard for victims to leave.
In the extended YouTube version of this article, I discuss coercive control in more detail, covering both workplace scenarios and personal and familial relationships.
I also tackle the hugely ignorant statements I often hear when this topic comes up:
“That would never happen to me”
“Why don’t you just leave’
You can watch it here.
Five Signs of Coercive Control?
Coercive control isn’t about a single instance of abuse; it’s a pattern of behaviours designed to manipulate, intimidate, and dominate another person.
It’s psychological, emotional, and manipulative—and it can be more damaging than physical violence because it chips away at a person’s independence, confidence, and mental health.
Here are some examples of what coercive control might look like:
1. Constantly Monitoring or Tracking Someone’s Movements
The abuser may monitor the victim’s movements by constantly asking where they’ve been, who they’ve been with, and MICROMANAGING!
In some cases, they might install tracking apps on the victim’s phone or use services like Teams and shared calendars to keep tabs. This creates a feeling of being constantly watched and erodes the victim’s sense of privacy and autonomy.
2. Isolating Them from Friends, Family, or Other Support Networks
The abuser isolates the victim from their coworkers, which can manifest as preventing employees from networking or socially interacting with others, not including them in important communications, WhatsApp groups, etc
Over time, the victim feels more dependent on the abuser and cut off from anyone who could offer help or perspective, deepening the emotional isolation.
3. Controlling Finances or Access to Resources
The abuser controls the victim’s access to money or other resources needed to do their job effectively. This forces the victim to become dependent on the abuser, making them feel helpless and vulnerable.
4. Gaslighting: Making Them Doubt Their Own Reality
Gaslighting involves the abuser denying events or conversations to make the victim question their perception of reality. They might say things like, “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re imagining things,” which confuses the victim and makes them doubt their own memories, leading them to believe they are the problem.
In work relationships, a manager may deny giving instructions or feedback, making the employee question their competence or memory.
5. Humiliating, Threatening, or Intimidating Them Regularly
Humiliation and intimidation are used to keep the victim in line. The abuser may mock, belittle, or publicly embarrass the victim, making them feel worthless. Threats, like saying, “No one will believe you” or “I’ll ruin your life if you leave,” are meant to create fear and maintain control over the victim’s actions.
6. Limiting Their Freedom to Make Independent Decisions
The abuser limits the victim’s ability to make decisions by controlling aspects of their daily life, like where to go, or who to talk to. In work relationships, this could mean micromanaging or making decisions on behalf of the employee without allowing them to make their own choices.
In extreme cases I’ve had with coaching clients, their managers have made the decision not to nominate them for awards or even promotions, saying, ‘I didn’t think you’d appreciate it’ or ‘I don’t think you’re ready/can do it, so I told the recruiter no!’.
By taking control of even small decisions, the abuser undermines the victim’s confidence and autonomy, making them feel incapable of making choices without permission.
The Slow Build: How Coercive Control Works
One of the things that makes coercive control so dangerous is that it builds up slowly. At first, the victim might not even realise what’s happening because the manipulations are so gradual.
The abuser might come across as professional, caring, and supportive at first. But over time, the small tactics add up, and before long, the victim’s sense of self starts to erode.
In a work situation, a manager might claim, “I’m just trying to help you succeed,” but behind that is the idea of controlling your every move, questioning your every decision, and manipulating situations to make you feel helpless.
The Damage Coercive Control Does
The toll of coercive control is far-reaching. Victims often experience:
Anxiety and depression
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or the harder to treat Complex-PTSD
Chronic stress and sleep problems
Low self-esteem and self-doubt
A lack of trust in others
Difficulty forming healthy relationships after the abuse
Coercive control doesn’t just leave psychological scars. It saps a person’s ability to trust themselves. It can affect their career, their relationships, and even their ability to feel happiness or fulfilment.
Why Support is So Important
If you suspect someone is dealing with coercive control, it’s crucial to offer non-judgmental support. Don’t ask why they haven’t left. Instead, let them know you believe them and offer a safe space for them to talk without fear of judgment. Help them find the resources they need, whether it’s therapy, legal support, or just someone to lean on.
If you’re in the UK, there are a number of resources to help people experiencing coercive control, such as Refuge, Women’s Aid, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247).
Legal Protections in the UK: A Step Forward
In 2015, the UK made coercive control a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act. This means that anyone caught engaging in coercive control can now be prosecuted.
This is a huge step forward in recognising the damaging effects of this kind of abuse, but it’s still a work in progress. We need to continue to raise awareness, educate people on what coercive control looks like, and provide more resources for survivors to rebuild their lives.
The Wrap-Up
Coercive control can affect anyone, regardless of the relationship, whether romantic, professional, or familial. The slow, insidious nature of this abuse makes it incredibly difficult to recognise, and even harder to leave.
Comments like “Why don’t you just leave?” or “That would never happen to me” are not only unhelpful, but they can also be hurtful. They simplify the complexity of coercive control and fail to acknowledge how deeply manipulative and gradual this abuse can be.
It’s not about just walking away; it’s about breaking free from a cycle of control and emotional manipulation. By understanding the signs, offering support, and encouraging victims to seek help, we can help them break free and rebuild their lives.
If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, remember, you don’t have to go through it alone. There is help available, and you are not alone.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version of this article, I discuss coercive control in more detail, covering both workplace scenarios and personal/intimate and familial relationships.
I also tackle the hugely ignorant statements I often hear when this topic comes up:
“That would never happen to me”
“Why don’t you just leave’
You can watch it here.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
