Audio Version (09:37)
In both personal and professional life, feedback is essential. It helps us grow, stay accountable, and improve our relationships.
But sometimes, what’s presented as feedback doesn’t help us grow — it tears us down. It confuses, undermines, and destabilises us.
When that happens, it may not be feedback at all… it could be gaslighting.
In this article, we’ll explore the important differences between honest, constructive feedback and gaslighting — a form of emotional manipulation that’s unfortunately still all too common, especially in toxic workplaces and relationships.
That said, I’ve also noticed the term gaslighting being used increasingly, especially on social media, when someone doesn’t like receiving feedback.
I’ve even had clients tell me they believe a colleague, manager, or partner is gaslighting them when, in reality, the other person was simply offering constructive criticism.
That’s why it’s so important to understand the difference. Mislabelling feedback as gaslighting can be just as damaging as not recognising actual manipulation.
It’s also helpful to know the difference if someone accuses you of gaslighting!
In the extended YouTube version of this article (which you can watch here), I also discuss:
Why it’s easy to confuse gaslighting and constructive feedback
How to respond to gaslighting
How to respond to constructive criticism.
What healthy feedback looks/sounds like (a real-life example)
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone makes you doubt your own reality, feelings, or memory. It’s often subtle and builds up over time, creating confusion, self-doubt, and eventually a reliance on the manipulator’s version of events.
The term comes from the 1930s stageplay which was adapted into two movies in the 1940s, where a husband systematically manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her mind. He dims the gaslights in their home and then denies the change when she comments on it, making her question her perception and eventually her sanity.
I have an entire video on gaslighting, which you can watch here.
In real life, gaslighting can sound like:
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re imagining things again.”
“You’re overreacting — I was only joking.”
“You always twist my words.”
This kind of behaviour chips away at your confidence and makes you second-guess yourself. It’s about control, not connection.
What Is Honest Feedback?
On the other hand, honest feedback — even when it’s critical — is rooted in respect, growth, and care. It’s usually intended to support your development or strengthen your relationship, not to erode your self-esteem.
Healthy feedback sounds more like:
“Can I give you some feedback about how that came across?”
“I noticed something that might be helpful for you to hear.”
“Here’s what I observed, and here’s how it impacted me or others.”
“This is a development area, and I want to support you with it.”
Honest feedback can still sting, especially if you’re not expecting it. But it shouldn’t leave you feeling confused, anxious, or like your version of events doesn’t matter.
Gaslighting vs. Honest Feedback: The Key Differences
Let’s break it down more clearly. Here are seven ways to distinguish between the two:
1. Intent: Control vs. Growth
Gaslighting is about power. The goal is to confuse or dominate, often so the gaslighter can avoid accountability or manipulate you into compliance.
Honest feedback is about support and development. Even if it’s tough to hear, it’s offered to help you succeed or maintain trust in a relationship.
🟢 Check-in: After receiving feedback, do you feel empowered to grow, or disoriented and defensive?
2. Tone: Undermining vs. Respectful
Gaslighting often comes with sarcasm, condescension, or dismissiveness. It makes you feel small.
Honest feedback is delivered respectfully. The tone is measured and thoughtful, even when the message is hard.
🟢 Check-in: Did the person seem genuinely interested in helping, or did it feel like a put-down?
3. Clarity: Vague and Confusing vs. Specific and Clear
Gaslighting statements are often vague or deny reality outright. You might hear, “You always mess things up,” with no example or explanation.
Honest feedback is specific. It might sound like, “In the meeting today, when you interrupted John, it seemed like you weren’t open to his input.”
🟢 Check-in: Did you walk away knowing what to do differently next time, or just feeling confused?
4. Emotional Impact: Confusion and Shame vs. Insight and Motivation
Gaslighting leaves you second-guessing yourself, questioning your worth, or feeling ashamed.
Honest feedback may still be uncomfortable, but it gives you something to work with — a clearer path forward.
🟢 Check-in: Are you feeling disoriented or defensive, or clearer and more motivated to improve?
5. Repetition: Pattern of Undermining vs. Occasional Course Correction
Gaslighting tends to be part of a pattern. Over time, it creates a toxic dynamic where one person constantly invalidates the other.
Honest feedback is offered when needed, not used as a constant critique. It’s balanced by appreciation and encouragement.
🟢 Check-in: Does this person only ever criticise you? Or do they also acknowledge your strengths?
6. Accountability: Deflecting vs. Owning Their Part
Gaslighters rarely take responsibility. They twist things to avoid blame and may accuse you of being the problem.
Feedback-givers may include their own role in the dynamic: “I could’ve been clearer about the deadline”, or “I may have contributed to the confusion.”
🟢 Check-in: Is this a one-way criticism, or does the person reflect on their own actions too?
7. Boundaries: Pressuring vs. Respecting Autonomy
Gaslighters often push your buttons or keep going even after you’ve said something isn’t okay.
Feedback-givers respect boundaries and are open to dialogue. They don’t need to be right — they want to understand and be understood.
🟢 Check-in: Do you feel safe to speak up or ask questions? Or like you’re walking on eggshells?
The Wrap Up
Whether in your personal life or professional world, you deserve interactions that make you feel respected, not reduced. Honest feedback can be one of the most valuable gifts we receive — but not when it’s twisted into something harmful.
If something feels manipulative, unclear, or leaves you doubting yourself, take a moment to check in. Your instincts are worth listening to.
Feedback should make you better, not feel smaller.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version of this article, I go into this topic in more detail. You can watch it here.
If you’re dealing with gaslighting at work or in a relationship, and you’re not sure how to respond, I offer a free downloadable checklist: “Gaslighting vs Feedback” summarising this article and providing journaling prompts to help you make sense of tricky interactions. Download it here and start reclaiming your voice today.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
