Audio Version (08:50)
Difficult conversations are an inevitable part of life, whether in the workplace or in personal relationships. These conversations can range from addressing performance issues with a colleague to discussing relationship problems with a loved one.
While they may be uncomfortable, having difficult conversations is crucial for growth, resolution, and maintaining healthy dynamics.
In this article, I’ll discuss my step-by-step process for preparing for difficult conversations, as well as how to navigate them effectively.
To watch the extended YouTube video version of this article, click here.
Most people don’t like difficult conversations because conflict feels unsafe. This can be especially true if you grew up in a household where emotional maturity wasn’t modelled and so you didn’t learn how to have difficult conversations without someone exploding or shutting down.
As with many of the things I teach, I have a step-by-step process for preparing for difficult conversations, which I’ll share with you today. I’ve taught this method to hundreds, if not thousands, of people over the years, and I’m happy to say it’s pretty much foolproof!
How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation
1. Get Clear on the Issue
Get really clear on what it is that you want to discuss. Sit down with a pad and pen and physically write about what’s bothering you.
This is especially important when addressing an issue from a work perspective. I recommend collating facts to support your thoughts.
In many of my videos on bullying and harassment, I’ve mentioned collating details of dates, times, and instances of abuse together with physical evidence.
2. Consider the Consequences of Not Having the Conversation
Before initiating a difficult conversation, it’s important to consider what might happen if you don’t address the issue.
Ask yourself:
Will the problem resolve itself, or is it likely to get worse?
How will the ongoing issue affect my work environment or personal relationship?
What are the potential long-term consequences of avoidance?
Understanding the potential negative outcomes of not having the conversation can motivate you to take action and address the issue head-on.
3. Be Clear About the Outcome You Want and Why
Having a clear objective in mind is crucial for a productive conversation. In most cases, ‘I just want things to be different’ or ‘I just want things to change’ is not reason enough. You need to get specific.
Consider:
What specific outcome are you hoping to achieve?
Why is this outcome important to you?
How will achieving this outcome benefit both parties involved?
Being clear about your goals helps you stay focused during the conversation and provides a sense of direction, making it more likely to reach a constructive resolution.
4. Consider How the Other Person May React and How You’ll Deal with It
It’s essential to anticipate the other person’s potential reactions and prepare for them. Think about:
How might they feel or respond to what you’re saying?
What are their possible concerns or objections?
How can you address these concerns in a respectful and empathetic manner?
If you’re planning a difficult conversation with someone, you know them and their behaviours. How they react shouldn’t be a surprise. Being prepared for various reactions allows you to remain calm and composed, helping to steer the conversation towards a positive outcome.
5. Script a 90-second Opening
Often, opening up the conversation is THE most difficult part. So, taking some time to script what you’re going to say can be incredibly helpful.
Starting the conversation with a clear and concise opening sets the tone for a productive dialogue. Your opening should:
State the purpose of the conversation.
Acknowledge any shared goals or positive aspects of the relationship.
Express your intentions and the desired outcome.
Here’s an example of a 90-second opening:
“I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind. I value our working relationship and believe we both want to do our best work. Recently, I’ve noticed some challenges with [specific issue], and I think it’s important we discuss it so we can find a way to move forward positively. My goal is to understand your perspective and work together to come up with a solution that benefits both of us.”
Scripting this opening helps you to start the conversation on the right foot, ensuring that your message is clear and your intentions are understood.
Navigating the Conversation: Practical Tips
1. Choose the Right Time and Place
Select a time and place where both parties can talk without interruptions and feel comfortable. A private meeting room might be ideal for workplace conversations, while a neutral and calm environment is ideal for personal conversations.
2. Actively Listen
Active listening is key to understanding the other person’s perspective. Show that you are paying attention by:
Maintaining eye contact.
Nodding and providing verbal acknowledgements.
Reflecting back on what they’ve said to confirm understanding.
3. Stay Calm and Composed
Emotions can run high during difficult conversations. Practise deep breathing, stay mindful of your tone, and try to keep the conversation respectful and focused on the issue, not the person.
4. Use “I” Statements
Express your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example:
“I feel concerned when deadlines are missed because it impacts our project timeline.”
“I’ve been feeling stressed lately about how we communicate, and I’d like to work on improving it.”
5. Be Open to Feedback
Difficult conversations are a two-way street. Be open to hearing the other person’s perspective and feedback. Acknowledge their feelings and work collaboratively towards a solution.
Strategies to Mitigate the Negative Effects
Given the pervasive influence of social media, it is essential to develop strategies to mitigate its negative effects on health:
1. Set Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries around social media use can help prevent overuse. This might include setting specific times for checking social media, avoiding it during meals, and keeping devices out of the bedroom.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing, can help manage anxiety and improve mental well-being. Mindfulness can also encourage more conscious and intentional use of social media.
3. Digital Detox
Taking regular breaks from social media, known as digital detoxes, can help reset habits and reduce dependency. Even short breaks can have a positive impact on mental health and overall well-being. There are also Apps that can help you manage your social media usage. The irony is not lost on me with this one, but I know people who use them, and they can work.
If a detox seems too hard, each time you get the urge to check your phone, take three long, deep breaths. This will bring consciousness to your actions, giving you breathing space between the unconscious urge to check your phone and the reality of whether you really want to!
4. Seek Support
If social media use is causing significant distress, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and other therapeutic approaches can help address underlying issues and develop healthier habits.
The Wrap-Up
Difficult conversations are challenging but essential for maintaining healthy, productive, and fulfilling relationships, both at work and in your personal life.
By preparing thoughtfully, being clear about your desired outcomes, anticipating reactions, and starting the conversation with a well-crafted opening, you can navigate these discussions with confidence and empathy.
Remember, the goal is to foster understanding, find common ground, and work towards solutions that benefit all parties involved.
Embrace these conversations as opportunities for growth and improvement, and you’ll find that they can lead to stronger, more resilient relationships.
What Next?
In the extended YouTube version of this article, I discuss two common situations where you can use this step-by-step process:
A work-based scenario to address unacceptable behaviour by a manager or colleague
A personal relationship scenario addressing feelings of ‘drifting apart’
You can watch it here.
I also have new EFT Tapping videos on my YouTube channel, which I haven’t shared on LinkedIn, including:
Tapping to release stress, anxiety and overwhelm
Boost your confidence
Overcome your fear of public speaking
Stop procrastinating
Clear fear and panic right now
Eliminate overwhelm
Plus more! You can watch those here.
If you would like help with any of the topics I discuss in my articles, please contact me either through LinkedIn or email me at info@jobanks.net to arrange a complimentary 15-minute discovery call.
Finally, if you enjoyed this article and haven’t yet signed up to get my weekly newsletter straight to your inbox, hit the ‘NEWSLETTER’ tab at the top of the page.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
