Audio Version (09:13)
The echoes of upbringing often reverberate into adulthood, shaping how we perceive ourselves and navigate the world.
The inner critic, that internal voice capable of fostering self-doubt and negative self-talk, can often find its roots in early experiences and interactions with parents.
In this article, we delve into the parent’s role in their adult child’s negative inner critic, examining the potential origins, impact, and strategies for fostering a more compassionate self-narrative.
To watch the extended YouTube version of this article, click here.
Unravelling The Origins of Your Inner Critic
1. Learned Patterns/Models of Behaviour
Children are keen observers. They learn by absorbing the behaviours and attitudes exhibited by their parents. If a parent regularly engages in self-critical or negative self-talk, the child will likely internalise these patterns, paving the way for developing their inner critic.
If you speak negatively about yourself around your own children, you may want to consider modifying that behaviour. Children do not respond to ‘don’t do as I do, do as I say’. Children subconsciously absorb EVERYTHING they see and hear.
They don’t have any other external references and will repeat what they see you say and do, even if you tell them not to. It all happens in the subconscious.
2. Parental Expectations and External Standards
Parents often convey expectations and standards for their children. While constructive guidance is essential for growth, unrealistic or perfectionistic expectations can instil a fear of falling short, contributing to a harsh inner critic in adulthood.
I see this in many clients. When I investigate where their inner critic comes from, it can derive from unrealistic expectations of parents, often because of their own unmet needs and emotionally immature parents.
3. Conditional Love and Approval
If a child’s sense of worth becomes closely tied to achievements or meeting parental expectations, they may develop a relentless inner critic that equates self-worth with success.
A fear of disappointing parents can fuel negative self-talk. It can also create people-pleasing tendencies and the ‘fawn’ stress response.
People pleasing starts with parent pleasing.
4. Critical Parenting Styles
Authoritarian parenting styles, characterised by strict rules and high expectations, can foster an inner critic in children who feel pressure to meet stringent standards.
Neglectful parenting, marked by emotional unavailability (attachment theory also comes into things here – I probably need to do an article/video on that), can lead to a lack of self-worth.
5. Direct Criticism
I worked with many people who had difficult childhoods who were told point blank repeatedly that they were useless, would never amount to anything, were stupid, ugly, incompetent – well, you get the picture.
The voices of those abusers (which is what it is, it’s abuse) become their inner critic into adulthood. Unless we’re aware of it and take steps to change it, what we hear about ourselves and the world around us as children remains as our inner voice long after we’ve grown up.
The Impact on Us as Adults
1. Self-Doubt and Perfectionism
Adult children of parents who cultivated a harsh inner critic may struggle with self-doubt and perfectionism. The fear of making mistakes or falling short of expectations can contribute to persistent negative self-talk.
3. Impaired Self-Esteem
Internalising parental criticism can lead to a diminished sense of self-esteem. Adults may carry the weight of past criticisms, affecting their confidence and self-worth.
4. Difficulty Setting Boundaries
If a parent’s love or approval is conditional during childhood, as an adult, they may struggle with setting boundaries. The fear of disappointing others can lead to overcommitment and self-neglect.
5. Relationship Challenges
The internalised inner critic can impact relationships, fostering self-doubt and making it challenging for adults to trust in the authenticity of connections. They may fear rejection or judgment.
Transforming the Inner Critic into an Ally
1. Reframe “Mistakes” As Learning Opportunities
Foster a growth mindset by reframing mistakes as opportunities for learning and improvement. Recognise that setbacks are a natural part of the journey toward mastery.
2. Cultivate Self-Awareness
Create a Reflective Practice: Regularly reflect on your thoughts and emotions. Developing self-awareness allows you to notice when the inner critic arises and empowers you to choose a more compassionate response.
I’ve mentioned the power of journaling in other articles and videos. It’s clinically proven to have massive beneficial effects on our physical and mental health. Writing down what’s bothering you helps your brain process things in a way that only talking to others comes close to.
3. Express Gratitude for Achievements
Using gratitude is another science-backed tool for creating positivity. Acknowledge and express gratitude for your achievements, no matter how small. Celebrating successes helps counteract the tendency to focus solely on perceived shortcomings.
There are lots of different ways you can practise gratitude:
Write down three things you’re grateful for each morning – choose different things each day.
Before you go to sleep, look back on your day hour by hour and pick out all the things you’re grateful for. It’s a great way to give your brain something positive to focus on while you sleep.
Create a gratitude jar. Every time something you’re grateful for happens, write it down and put it in the jar. On days when you’re feeling less resourceful, empty out the jar and get reading to improve your mood. This is a great one to do with the kids.
One point to remember with gratitude is that you have to feel the emotion of gratitude, not just go through the motions!
The Wrap-Up
Taming the inner critic requires a conscious and ongoing effort to reshape self-talk and foster self-compassion. By understanding the origins of the inner critic, recognising its impact, and implementing practical strategies for transformation, you can shift from self-criticism to self-empowerment.
In addition, breaking the cycle for future generations involves conscious parenting practices prioritising emotional well-being and resilience.
Ultimately, the journey toward a more compassionate inner narrative is a continuous process of self-discovery, healing, and cultivating a nurturing and empowering self-dialogue.
As you embark on this transformative journey, remember that self-compassion is not a destination but a practice—an ongoing commitment to treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you deserve.
What Next?
In the extended YouTube version of this article, I discuss eight ways to nurture a compassionate self-narrative. Again, you can watch it here.
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In my next article and accompanying video (there is no video for today’s topic, I’m afraid!), I’ll discuss how to manage your inner critic. So, if you haven’t signed up to get my weekly newsletter straight to your inbox, click the ‘Newsletter’ tab at the top of the page.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
