Audio Version (09:59)
If you’re being bullied at work, chances are you’ve asked yourself this question more than once:
“Why me? Why are they picking on me? What have I done wrong?”
It feels incredibly personal. But here’s the truth most people don’t realise…
Workplace bullying is rarely about you.
In this article, I’m uncovering what’s really going on behind the behaviour, both consciously and subconsciously.
In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss the Role of Fear and the role Social Reinforcement and Workplace Culture play. You can watch it here.
Introduction
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of workplace bullying, you’ll know how personal it feels… and I definitely know, having experienced myself.
It gets under your skin. It makes you question yourself. Your competence. Your personality. Even your worth. Because it feels so targeted, most people come to the same painful conclusion:
“It must be something about me.”
But in the vast majority of cases, it isn’t. That does not mean your experience isn’t real or serious. It absolutely is. What it does mean is that the driver behind the behaviour usually sits within the bully, not within you.
When you start to understand what is going on psychologically, both consciously and subconsciously, something shifts. You may still feel hurt or frustrated, but you stop internalising it in quite the same way.
Let’s unpack what is really going on.
The Need for Power and Control
At its core, most workplace bullying is about power. Not healthy authority. Not leadership. But CONTROL.
Bullies often feel an internal lack of control in their own lives. That might come from stress, insecurity, fear of failure, or feeling out of their depth. Rather than addressing that internally, they try to compensate externally.
They do that by:
- Dominating conversations
- Undermining others (subtly or unsubtly)
- Publicly criticising or belittling
- Creating fear or uncertainty
When they see someone competent, confident, or simply calm and self-assured, it can feel threatening. Not because you have done anything wrong, but because your presence highlights what they feel they lack. So they try to rebalance the scales.
Not consciously in most cases. It is rarely a calculated plan (although it can be for certain personality types). It is more of an instinctive move to regain a sense of superiority or control.
Insecurity in Disguise
One of the biggest misconceptions about bullies is that they are confident. Some appear that way on the surface. They can be loud, dominant, even charismatic. But underneath, there is often a fragile sense of self.
Psychologically, this is sometimes referred to as compensatory behaviour. When someone feels insecure, they overcorrect. So instead of saying:
“I’m not sure I’m good enough.”
The behaviour becomes:
“I’m going to make sure everyone else feels less capable than me.”
This is why bullies often target people who are:
- High performers
- Well liked
- Independent thinkers
- Not easily controlled
It is not because those people deserve it. It is because THEY TRIGGER SOMETHING IN THE BULLY. That trigger might be comparison. It might be envy. It might be fear of being exposed. Whatever it is, the response is to diminish the other person rather than look at their own shortcomings and working on them.
Learned Behaviour from Childhood
To really understand bullying, we have to go further back. For many people, patterns of behaviour around power, conflict, and communication are formed early in life. Some workplace bullies grew up in environments where:
- Control was used instead of communication
- Criticism was more common than encouragement
- Emotional needs were ignored or dismissed
- Aggression was normalised
In those environments, children learn something important, often without realising it:
“This is how you get your needs met.”
If a child only received attention when they were loud, difficult, or dominant, that becomes their template. If they were harshly criticised, they may internalise that voice and later project it onto others.
If they felt powerless as a child, they may become highly sensitive to feeling powerless as an adult and overreact to regain control.
There is also another side to this. Some bullies were not just exposed to harsh environments; they were also overprotected or overindulged. In other words, they were never told ‘No’.
As a result, they may not have developed emotional resilience or accountability. When things do not go their way, they react poorly because they never learned how to regulate frustration or disappointment.
These are both very different childhood experiences, but have the same outcome. Difficulty managing emotions in a healthy way.
Emotional Immaturity
A key factor in many bullying behaviours is emotional immaturity. This shows up in several ways:
- Difficulty handling criticism
- Low frustration tolerance
- Black and white thinking
- Taking things personally
- Reacting rather than responding
Instead of processing emotions internally, the bully externalises them.
- If they feel embarrassed, they might humiliate someone else.
- If they feel criticised, they might lash out.
- If they feel threatened, they might try to discredit the person who triggered that feeling.
It is not a rational process. It is reactive, and because it is reactive, it often feels disproportionate. You might think:
“That was such a small thing, why such a big reaction?”
The answer is that you are not seeing the whole picture. You are seeing the surface trigger, not the internal emotional response driving it.
Projection: Putting Their ‘Stuff’ onto You
Projection is one of the most important psychological concepts when it comes to understanding bullying. In simple terms, projection is when someone attributes their own thoughts, feelings, or traits to someone else.
So instead of recognising: “I feel incompetent.”
The behaviour becomes: “You’re incompetent.”
Instead of: “I’m struggling.”
It becomes: “You’re not up to the job.”
This is not necessarily deliberate deception. It is often unconscious. The bully genuinely experiences their internal discomfort as something coming from the outside, and because they are not self-aware enough to question it, they act on it.
This is why bullying can feel so confusing. You may be criticised for things that do not reflect your behaviour at all. You might even find yourself thinking:
“Am I missing something? Is that true?”
More often than not, what you are hearing says more about their internal world than it does about your performance.
Why It Feels So Personal
Even when bullying is not about you, it lands on you. That is what makes it so difficult. Humans are wired to look for meaning. When someone repeatedly targets us, our brain tries to make sense of it. We ask:
- “Why me?”
- “What have I done?”
- “How can I fix this?”
Because the behaviour is directed at us, it is natural to assume we are the cause. But when you understand the psychology behind bullying, you start to see a different picture.
- You see patterns.
- You see insecurity, projection, fear, and learned behaviour playing out.
- You begin to realise that you have become the focus of the behaviour, not the cause of it.
The Wrap-up
Workplace bullying is complex, but it is rarely random. It is usually driven by a mix of insecurity, learned behaviour, emotional immaturity, and unconscious psychological processes like projection.
For many bullies, these patterns started long before they entered the workplace. They were shaped in childhood, reinforced over time, and triggered by the pressures of adult life.
None of that excuses the behaviour. But it does explain it, and perhaps most importantly, it helps you separate their behaviour from your identity. Because while it feels deeply personal, in most cases, it is not about who you are or what you have done. It is about what is going on inside them.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I also discuss the Role of Fear and the role Social Reinforcement and Workplace Culture play. You can watch it here.
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If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
