Audio Version (09:26)
It is a question I have heard more times than I can count. From coaching clients. From comments on my YouTube videos. From people who are exhausted, confused, and starting to doubt themselves, heck, I’ve asked it more than a few times myself!
“Why does this keep happening to me?”
Different faces. Different environments. Same pattern. Or as I like to say, same person, different face.
The controlling partner. The manipulative friend. The passive-aggressive colleague. The intimidating boss.
If this resonates, I want to be really clear about something from the outset. This is not about blaming you. It is about helping you understand patterns so you can break them. Because once you see it, you cannot unsee it, and that is where your power starts to come back.
In the extended YouTube version of this article, I also discuss How to Break the Pattern, where I give you 7 tried and tested tips that really work! You can watch it here.
It’s Not About “Attracting” Bad People
Let’s challenge one of the most common beliefs first. You are not somehow sending out a signal that only abusive or difficult people can detect.
What is far more likely is this:
You are tolerating, normalising, or overlooking behaviours that others would step away from much earlier, and that usually comes from somewhere deeper.
The Real Pattern: What You Allow, Continues
Over the years, both personally and through my coaching clients, I have noticed a consistent pattern.
People who find themselves in repeated toxic dynamics often:
Give others the benefit of the doubt, even when behaviour feels off
Avoid confrontation because they do not want conflict
Prioritise keeping relationships over protecting themselves
Question their own instincts
Feel responsible for other people’s emotions
Have deep-rooted (sometimes unconscious) feelings of low self-esteem and unworthiness
On the surface, some of these appear to be positive traits. Kindness. Empathy. Patience. But in the wrong hands, they get exploited, and that is where the cycle begins.
Why This Happens (Without Blaming Yourself)
There are a few common reasons why this pattern develops.
1. Early Conditioning
If you, like me, grew up around control, criticism, or unpredictability, your nervous system may have adapted to it. You may have learned:
To stay quiet to avoid conflict
To manage other people’s emotions
That your needs come second
So when similar dynamics show up later in life, they do not immediately feel “wrong.” They feel normal.
2. High Empathy (Especially as an HSP)
If you are a Highly Sensitive Person, you will likely pick up on emotional nuance quickly. You can see potential in people. You can understand their pain. But understanding someone is not the same as being safe with them.
This is where many people get caught. They stay because they can see why the other person behaves the way they do. But insight does not excuse behaviour.
3. Fear of Being Seen as “Difficult”
This one comes up a lot in coaching. People worry about:
Being labelled as awkward
Being seen as overreacting
Causing tension
Rejection (especially those with ADHD and autism who suffer from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria)
So they minimise their own discomfort, and unfortunately, the kind of people who push boundaries can sense that hesitation.
4. Waiting for Things to Get Better
Many people stay because they are waiting for a change.
“They were not like this at the start.”
“It is just a stressful time for them.”
“They did apologise.”
Hope can keep you in situations long after the evidence suggests you should leave.
The Red Flags Most People Miss Early On
Toxic behaviour rarely starts at full intensity. It builds gradually. Here are some early warning signs to pay attention to:
1. They Move Too Fast
This could be in friendships, relationships, or even workplace dynamics.
Oversharing very early
Pushing for closeness quickly
Calling you their “best friend”, “favourite person” or “soul mate” almost immediately
It can feel flattering. But it often signals poor boundaries.
2. Subtle Disrespect Disguised as Humour
“Jokes” at your expense
Backhanded compliments
Dismissing your opinions lightly
If you feel a slight sting but brush it off, pay attention to that. Your instinct is usually right.
3. Boundary Testing
This is a big one.
Ignoring small requests
Pushing you to do things you are not comfortable with
Seeing how far they can go without you saying no
If someone does not respect small boundaries, they will not respect bigger ones.
4. Playing the Victim Constantly
Everyone has difficult periods. That is normal. But if someone is always the victim in every story:
Every boss was unfair
Every friend betrayed them
Every partner was the problem
It is worth asking what role they might be playing in those situations.
5. You Feel Drained After Being Around Them
This is one of the clearest signs. You might notice:
You feel anxious before seeing them
You replay conversations afterwards
You feel responsible for keeping things “okay”
Your body often recognises what your mind is still trying to rationalise.
6. Inconsistency
Warm one day, cold the next
Supportive, then critical
Kind, then dismissive
This creates confusion, and confusion keeps people hooked. As I say in many of my articles and videos, confusion is a MASSIVE red flag. You start trying to “get back” to the good version of them.
7. Guilt as a Tool
“After everything I have done for you…”
“You are overreacting”
“I was only joking”
This shifts the focus away from their behaviour and onto your reaction.
Why We Stay Longer Than We Should
Even when red flags appear, many people stay. Here’s why:
1. You Doubt Yourself
You second-guess your instincts.
“Maybe I am being too sensitive.”
“Maybe I misunderstood.”
This is especially common if someone subtly undermines your perception over time.
2. You Want to Be Fair
You do not want to judge someone too quickly. You want to give them a chance. That is a good quality. But it needs limits. It needs BOUNDARIES.
3. You Are Invested
Time. Energy. Emotion. The longer you stay, the harder it feels to leave. This is called the ‘Sunk Cost Fallacy’.
4. You Focus on Their Potential
You see who they could be, not whom they are consistently showing themselves to be. Potential is not behaviour.
One Final Thing…
In the early stages of trying to understand toxic and narcissistic behaviour, I was searching for answers to what was going on in my own life. I read every book I could get my hands on. YouTube was not really around then, and narcissism wasn’t really a ‘thing’, so information was much harder to access.
I also interviewed therapists and healthcare professionals from a range of different disciplines, hoping to make sense of the pattern I kept finding myself in.
One conversation has stayed with me ever since. I asked a psychiatrist, “Why do I seem to attract these types of toxic people?”
He replied,
“It’s not that you attract them any more than the next person. IT’S THAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO STAY.”
The Wrap-up
If you find yourself repeatedly dealing with the same types of difficult or abusive people, it is worth looking at the pattern with curiosity, not blame. This is not about asking, “What is wrong with me?” It is about asking, “What have I learned to accept?”
Because once you start recognising early red flags, trusting your instincts, and setting boundaries sooner, the pattern begins to change. Not because toxic people disappear. But because you stop making yourself available to them, that is where things start to feel different.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version of this article, I also discuss How to Break the Pattern, where I give you 7 tried and tested tips that really work! You can watch it here.
If you head over to YouTube, please take a second to like, comment and subscribe. It doesn’t cost anything, but it really helps push the content out to a wider audience. The more engagement a video gets, the more people it reaches, which means this information can support even more people.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
