Audio Version (09:45)
When people talk about workplace bullying, the focus is usually on behaviour. The shouting. The undermining. The passive-aggressive comments. The exclusion. The intimidation… and rightly so. Those behaviours are damaging and need to be addressed.
But if we stop there, we miss something important. Because bullying doesn’t come out of nowhere. Behind many workplace bullies sits something far less obvious and far more uncomfortable to talk about:
Toxic shame.
Not the everyday kind of shame that helps us recognise when we’ve made a mistake. Something deeper. Something more ingrained. Something that quietly shapes how a person sees themselves and, as a result, how they treat others.
To watch the extended YouTube version of this article, which also includes The Hidden Cost of Unaddressed Shame, The Shame–Power Contradiction, Triggers, Threat, and Overreaction, click here.
Before we get into it, I want to be clear that never, ever will I ever condone or excuse bullying. If you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know that I’ve had my fair share of bullying both in work and personally. I loathe it and find it inexcusable.
What I’m trying to do with all my content on this topic is raise awareness. Awareness is EVERYTHING in understanding and recovering from toxic people both personally and professionally.
What Is Toxic Shame?
Shame, in its healthy form, is part of being human. It’s the feeling that says, “I did something wrong”. Toxic shame, however, says something very different:
“There is something wrong with me.”
This distinction matters. Psychologist John Bradshaw described toxic shame as a core identity wound. It’s not about behaviour. It becomes the lens through which a person sees themselves.
Instead of:
“I made a mistake in that meeting.”
It becomes:
“I am a failure.”
Over time, this belief can become so deeply embedded that it operates outside of conscious awareness. The person isn’t walking around thinking, “I feel ashamed.” They’re simply reacting to the world from that place.
Where Does Toxic Shame Come From?
Toxic shame often has its roots in early life experiences. Consistent criticism. Conditional love. Emotional neglect. Being shamed for normal human needs or emotions.
When a child repeatedly receives the message that they are “too much,” “not enough,” or “a problem,” they don’t have the capacity to challenge it. They internalise it.
This is where attachment theory comes in. Psychologists like John Bowlby highlighted how early relationships shape our internal working model of ourselves and others. If those early relationships are unpredictable, critical, or emotionally unsafe, the child may grow into an adult who carries:
A fragile sense of self-worth
A deep fear of rejection or exposure
A constant need to prove or protect themselves
Here’s the key point:
That internal experience doesn’t stay neatly contained. It leaks out into behaviour.
Shame, Defence, and the Need to Protect
Shame is one of the most uncomfortable emotions we can experience. So, we defend against it. One way we do that is through projection. Projection is when we take something we cannot tolerate in ourselves and attribute it to someone else.
For example:
Feeling inadequate → labelling others as incompetent
Feeling insecure → criticising others’ confidence
Feeling out of control → controlling others
This is where bullying behaviour can start to make more sense. Not acceptable. Not excusable. But understandable.
If you want to understand more about projection, I recommend the video below.
Do Bullies Know They’re Experiencing This?
This is where it gets interesting. Because most bullies do not experience themselves as insecure or ashamed. In fact, it often appears to be the opposite.
Confidence. Certainty. Authority.
But toxic shame doesn’t show up as a clear thought like, “I feel ashamed of who I am.” It tends to show up as:
Irritation with others
Frustration when things aren’t done “properly”
A strong need to stay in control
Discomfort when challenged
A sense that other people are the problem
From their perspective, their behaviour feels justified. They might believe they are:
Maintaining standards
Being direct
Doing their job properly
Dealing with incompetence
The mind protects us from emotional pain. If someone has built their identity around not feeling shame, then recognising it can feel deeply threatening. So, instead, the mind deflects, justifies, and redirects.
Bullying as a Defence Strategy
If someone carries deep toxic shame, they are constantly at risk of feeling exposed. Workplaces, with their performance expectations, feedback loops, and social dynamics, can amplify this risk. So what happens? They protect themselves. Sometimes subtly. Sometimes aggressively.
Bullying can become a way of:
Regaining control when they feel internally unstable
Deflecting attention away from their own perceived inadequacy
Establishing dominance to avoid feeling “less than”
Pre-emptively rejecting others before they themselves feel rejected
Research into self-esteem supports this. Individuals with unstable self-worth are more likely to react defensively and aggressively when their self-image feels threatened. In other words, it’s not the secure individual who needs to dominate a room…
IT’S OFTEN THE ONE WHO FEELS MOST AT RISK.
Also, remember what I say in many of my posts on this topic:
Bullies build themselves up by putting others down.
The Inner Critic and External Behaviour
Many people with toxic shame live with a harsh internal voice.
“You’re not good enough.” “You’ll get found out.” “You’ve messed this up again.”
Over time, that voice becomes normal, and it doesn’t always stay internal. The way someone speaks to others can mirror how they speak to themselves. So, the colleague who constantly nitpicks, belittles, or undermines may be expressing outwardly what they experience inwardly. Which is why the behaviour can feel so intense and so personal.
Incidentally, many of us have negative inner critics; in fact, it’s extremely common. However, we don’t all feel the need to take our issues out on others.
Why It Feels So Personal
If you’ve been on the receiving end of bullying, it often feels deeply personal and that makes sense. The behaviour can feel targeted and intentional. But when we understand toxic shame, we see another layer.
The behaviour may be directed at you. But it is not truly about you. It’s about what you represent.
You might trigger their sense of inadequacy.
You might reflect something they struggle with.
You might challenge their need for control.
This doesn’t reduce the impact, nor does it make it OK. But it can help separate your identity from their behaviour.
The Wrap-up
Underneath workplace bullying, there is frequently something deeper at play; toxic shame. An internal belief system that says, “I am not enough,” and must be hidden or defended at all costs.
Most people operating from this place are not consciously aware of it. They experience the world through irritation, control, and justification rather than recognising the shame underneath, and, as a result, the behaviour can continue unchecked.
Understanding this doesn’t excuse bullying. It doesn’t minimise its impact. But it does give us a clearer picture of what’s really going on beneath the surface, and that understanding is a powerful place to start.
I will be writing more about why bullies bully in the next few weeks, so make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss it!
What Next?
Again, to watch the extended YouTube version of this article, which also includes The Hidden Cost of Unaddressed Shame, The Shame–Power Contradiction, Triggers, Threat, and Overreaction, click here.
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