Audio Version (09:25)
Have you ever found yourself constantly stepping in to fix things for everyone else? Whether it’s at work, in your family, or even in your friendship group, you’re the go-to person; the one others rely on.
But let’s be honest: it’s exhausting. You’re mentally and emotionally drained, and you’ve started wondering, Why do I feel like I have to solve everyone else’s problems?
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. This is something I come across all the time in my coaching practice, and it’s something that I often struggle with.
Many of my clients (especially those in caring professions or leadership roles) fall into the pattern of being the ‘fixer’ without even realising it. But here’s the good news: once you recognise that you’re doing it, you can start to change it.
Let’s look at what’s going on underneath, why you feel this way, and most importantly, what you can do about it.
To watch the extended YouTube version of this article, click here.
The Need to Fix: Where Does It Come From?
At its core, the compulsion to fix other people’s problems usually stems from early experiences. Many people who struggle with this learned, often in childhood, that their worth was linked to being helpful, needed, or dependable.
Perhaps you were the “responsible one” in your family, the peacekeeper, or the one who soothed others when things got tense.
You might have developed a belief, consciously or unconsciously, that it was your job to make things better. Over time, this belief becomes so ingrained that stepping in to fix things feels automatic.
You might not even realise you’re doing it until you’re completely depleted and wondering why no one ever checks in on you.
Here are some common underlying beliefs and behaviours that drive this fixer pattern:
People-pleasing: You don’t want to upset anyone, so you step in to keep the peace or make things easier for others.
Perfectionism: You believe things should be done “properly,” so you take control to ensure a good outcome.
Fear of conflict: Solving problems pre-emptively feels safer than letting issues play out.
Control issues: It’s easier to fix something yourself than tolerate the discomfort of watching someone struggle.
Self-worth tied to usefulness: You feel valued when you’re helping others. It gives you a sense of purpose or identity.
These patterns often develop when a child grows up in an emotionally unpredictable or unstable environment.
When there’s chaos, inconsistency, or neglect, children can become hyper-vigilant, constantly scanning for signs of distress and stepping in to “fix” things to create a sense of safety.
That learned hyper-responsibility doesn’t just go away when we become adults.
The Hidden Costs of Being the “Fixer”
While helping others can feel good in the moment, consistently taking on everyone’s problems comes at a cost. It can lead to:
Burnout: You’re mentally, emotionally, and physically drained from carrying too much.
Resentment: You start to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, or even angry that others don’t reciprocate.
Over-functioning: You do too much while others do too little, creating an imbalance in relationships.
Disempowerment (for others): When you fix everything, others don’t learn to solve their own problems.
Loss of identity: You become so absorbed in other people’s lives that you lose sight of your own needs, wants, and goals.
What starts as a well-meaning desire to help can quickly become a cycle that hurts both you and the people you’re trying to support.
4 Steps to Fix the Need to Fix
Step 1: Recognise the Pattern
The first and most important step to changing this pattern is simply recognising that you’re doing it.
This might sound obvious, but many people don’t realise how often they jump in to rescue others. It can be so automatic that it feels like second nature.
You might even feel guilty or anxious when you don’t help, which is a clear sign that something deeper is going on.
Start by noticing situations where you:
Offer solutions before someone’s even asked for help
Feel anxious watching someone struggle or make mistakes
Take on responsibility for others’ emotions or outcomes
Feel guilty when you set boundaries
Struggle to say no, even when you’re overwhelmed
Once you see the pattern, you can start to pause and ask: Is this really mine to solve?
Step 2: Understand What You’re Really Trying to Do
Often, the drive to fix isn’t just about helping, it’s about soothing your own discomfort.
When someone you care about is upset, stressed, or making poor choices, it can trigger anxiety or helplessness in you. So, you jump into action, not just to help them, but to calm yourself down.
That doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human. But understanding this dynamic is essential if you want to change it.
Ask yourself:
What emotion is driving my urge to fix this?
What am I afraid will happen if I don’t step in?
What would it feel like to let them handle this on their own?
This kind of self-inquiry helps you create space between stimulus (someone has a problem) and response (you fixing it). That space is where your power lies.
Step 3: Learn to Hold Space (Not Take Over)
One of the most powerful things you can do for someone is simply hold space. That means being present, listening, and showing empathy, without jumping in to fix things. It sounds simple, but if you’re a chronic fixer, this can feel incredibly hard.
Try phrases like:
“That sounds really tough. What do you think you’ll do?”
“I’m here for you. Do you want advice or just someone to listen?”
“I believe in you. You’ve got this.”
These types of responses communicate support and confidence in the other person’s ability to handle their own situation. They shift you out of the rescuer role and into the role of a compassionate supporter, which is ultimately far more empowering for everyone involved.
Step 4: Practice Boundaries and Self-Compassion
Learning to say no or not right now is a crucial part of stepping out of the fixer role. So is allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their actions; even if it’s uncomfortable to watch.
You are not responsible for other adults’ emotions, choices, or outcomes.
Start setting gentle but clear boundaries around your time, energy, and emotional bandwidth. This doesn’t mean becoming cold or uncaring, it means valuing your own wellbeing enough to stop overextending yourself.
Remember: you’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to focus on your own needs. You’re allowed to stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
The Wrap-up
If you’ve spent years trying to solve everyone else’s problems, changing that habit won’t happen overnight. But recognising that you’re doing it is the first, and most powerful, step.
You don’t have to fix, rescue, or over-function to be worthy of love, connection, or respect. Your value isn’t tied to how useful you are to other people.
Instead of rushing in to save the day, try stepping back. Get curious about your own patterns. Practice sitting with the discomfort. Trust others to manage their own lives. You might be surprised at how freeing that feels, for both you and them.
What Next?
Again, to watch the YouTube version of this article, click here.
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