Audio Version (10:27)
Are you constantly putting others’ needs before your own? Struggle to say no, even when you’re overwhelmed? Feel like your value is tied to how much others like or approve of you?
In today’s article, I’ll break down the psychology of people-pleasing. How it starts (usually in childhood), how it’s linked to trauma, anxiety, and learned behaviour. I’ll also share a key question I now ask myself that’s been a game-changer in my recovery from people-pleasing.
In the extended YouTube version, I also provide five practical strategies for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. You can watch it here.
What Is People Pleasing?
At its core, people pleasing is when we prioritise others’ needs, wants, or emotions over our own, often at the expense of our time, energy, or well-being.
It might sound kind, even admirable, on the surface. But when it’s rooted in fear or guilt rather than genuine care, it becomes a problem.
People pleasing often shows up as:
Always saying yes, even when you want to say no
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Feeling responsible for how others feel
Needing constant reassurance or approval
Suppressing your own needs or opinions to “keep the peace”
Where It All Begins: Childhood Conditioning
Most people pleasers don’t just wake up one day and decide to be overly accommodating. It’s a pattern that’s usually shaped early in life, often through our relationships with caregivers.
1. Overcontrolling Parents/Caregivers
Personally, I was brought up by an overly controlling mother. Like many children raised in similar environments, I quickly learned that being compliant, helpful, and agreeable was the safest route.
When you’re a child, your emotional and physical survival literally depends on your caregiver’s approval. So, you learn to adapt.
2. Chaotic Households
But it’s not always about strict control or overt trauma. Sometimes, people pleasing develops in chaotic households, homes that might have been loud, unpredictable, or emotionally intense, even if they were loving in many ways.
Maybe there were a lot of children, so you learned to be “the easy one” or “the helper” to avoid adding to your parents’ stress.
Or perhaps one of your caregivers was neurodivergent, had mental health or substance abuse issues and was anxious or overwhelmed, and you stepped in to try to calm them down or reduce the emotional noise. In these environments, the child often develops the belief:
“If I can just be good, helpful, or agreeable enough, maybe things will feel more stable.”
That’s a coping mechanism. You’re simply trying to create some safety in what feels like emotional chaos.
3. Learned Behaviour
Another layer to this is learned behaviour. You may have grown up watching a parent, often your mother (but not always), constantly putting others first, saying yes when she clearly meant no, or tiptoeing around other people’s emotions.
Without realising it, you absorbed that behaviour as normal. You learned that being liked, needed, or useful equalled being loved.
So, whether you were responding to control, chaos, or quietly copying a parent who never said no, the message landed the same:
“Other people’s needs matter more than mine.”
Over time, that belief becomes a habit, one that’s automatic, unconscious, and incredibly hard to break… until you finally see it.
The Trauma and Anxiety Link
People-pleasing is often a trauma response. In psychology, it’s now being recognised as a variation of the fawn response, alongside the more well-known fight, flight, and freeze responses.
Fawning is when we try to avoid conflict or harm by appeasing others. It can look like:
Over-apologising
Minimising your needs
Trying to “keep everyone happy”
Avoiding setting boundaries because it feels unsafe
This isn’t a personality trait. It’s a nervous system adaptation. Over time, it becomes automatic. You don’t even realise you’re doing it, you just feel this relentless pressure to be “nice,” agreeable, and helpful.
Unsurprisingly, this pattern often leads to anxiety. When you’re constantly scanning for signs someone is upset with you, afraid of saying the wrong thing or juggling too many commitments because you don’t want to let anyone down, your body stays in a low-level state of stress.
Long-term, this can lead to burnout, resentment, and even physical illness. After all, as we now know without a doubt, the body keeps the score.
What People Pleasing Feels Like
Let’s be honest, people pleasing might seem outwardly generous, but it doesn’t feel good.
In fact, it often leaves you feeling:
Resentful – towards others for asking, but also towards yourself for not speaking up
Overwhelmed – like you’re carrying everyone else’s emotional load
Invisible – because no one really knows the real you
Exhausted – from managing everyone else’s expectations
Frustrated – because you feel taken for granted or unappreciated
The resentment is often the biggest red flag. You start to feel annoyed at people for constantly asking you to help… even though you’re the one who keeps saying yes.
You feel irritated when people expect things from you… But, in all honesty, it’s you who’s trained them to expect it!
That inner voice whispers, “Why am I always the one doing everything?” But you never say it out loud. You just swallow it and smile, until one day you snap and blow up or burn out completely.
The (Uncomfortable) Truth: It’s a Form of Control
Now, I say this with all the compassion in the world, because I’ve been there, but people-pleasing is, at its root, a form of manipulation.
I know that sounds harsh. I used to recoil when I first heard that, too. But stay with me.
When we say yes out of fear, guilt, or the desire to be liked, not because we genuinely want to, we’re not being honest. We’re managing other people’s perceptions of us. We’re hoping that by being agreeable, helpful, or self-sacrificing, they’ll:
Approve of us
Not abandon or reject us
Think we’re good, kind, or “the nice one”
That’s not truly giving. That’s trading. We’re offering our time, energy, and compliance in exchange for validation or approval. And when that doesn’t come, or worse, when people still don’t treat us how we want to be treated, we feel hurt, angry, or resentful.
True generosity is giving without expecting anything back. People pleasing is giving with strings attached, even if we’re not consciously aware of them.
That doesn’t make you or me a bad person. It just means our behaviour is coming from fear, not freedom. The good news is, that once you see it, you can start changing it.
What do I say in almost every article and video I do?
AWARENESS IS EVERYTHING. WE CAN’T CHANGE WHAT WE AREN’T AWARE OF!
My No 1 Strategy
One of the tools that’s helped me enormously as a recovering people pleaser is asking myself:
“Am I doing this because I want to, because it’s the right thing to do, or because I want them to like me?”
This simple question has saved me time, money, energy, and emotional burnout. It forces me to check in with myself before I say yes to something. If my only reason is “so they’ll like me or not think badly of me,” that’s not a good enough reason.
I have five more strategies to help you deal with people-pleasing in the extended YouTube version of this article. You can watch it here.
The Wrap-Up
Recovering from people pleasing isn’t about swinging to the other extreme and becoming selfish or inconsiderate. It’s about learning to treat yourself with the same compassion, respect, and care you’ve always given others.
If you were raised to believe that your needs didn’t matter or that love had to be earned, it’s no surprise that you developed these patterns. But now, as an adult, you get to choose differently.
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to be liked or not liked, for who you really are.
I’m still on this journey myself. Some days I catch myself slipping back into old habits. But now I have the tools, the awareness, and most importantly, the belief that I don’t have to please everyone to be OK…
And neither do you!
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I also provide five practical strategies for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. You can watch it here.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
