Audio Version (09:05)
If you’ve ever been told to “stay realistic” or “don’t get your hopes up,” you know that pursuing your dreams can sometimes feel like swimming against the current. But why is it that, when we set big goals, some people try to talk us out of them?
Understanding this dynamic is important not only for your mental and emotional well-being but also for maintaining motivation and focus on your dreams.
In this article, we’ll explore why people discourage us from doing, being, or having what we want. We’ll also examine the fascinating psychology behind why it’s sometimes better to keep your dreams to yourself until you’re ready to take action.
In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss both the psychology of discouragement and the dopamine dilemma in much more detail and I include five strategies for How to Handle Discouragement and Stay Focused on Your Dreams. You can watch it here.
The Psychology of Discouragement: Why People Do It
1. Fear of the Unknown
One of the main reasons people discourage us is that our aspirations challenge their view of what’s possible or realistic.
When you talk about big goals, like starting a new business, writing a book, or moving to another country, you’re venturing into territory that others haven’t explored.
This can trigger a sense of discomfort in those who are more risk-averse or haven’t had the courage to chase their own dreams.
Think about it: when someone close to you doubts your dreams, they might not necessarily be questioning your abilities. What they might be questioning is their own limitations or the discomfort they feel at the thought of stepping outside their comfort zone.
While they may not intend to do it, their doubts can have a discouraging effect on you.
2. Projection of Their Own Fears
Another reason for discouragement is projection. People who have faced failure, disappointment, or rejection in the past can sometimes project their own negative experiences onto others.
They may be speaking from a place of fear, such as fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, or fear of change. When they see you pursuing a big goal, it’s as if you’re daring to challenge the very fears they haven’t dealt with themselves.
This is why it’s so common to hear “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” “Maybe try something more realistic” from people who may not have the courage to take similar risks themselves. Often, they’re not trying to be mean; they’re just trying to protect you from what they perceive as inevitable failure, based on their own past experiences.
3. Comfort in the Status Quo
When you’re dreaming big and making plans, it can be uncomfortable for people around you who are happy with the status quo. Your ambition can force them to confront their own lack of ambition or progress.
Sometimes, people will discourage you as a way to preserve their own sense of security. If you succeed, it could highlight their own stagnation, which can cause a negative reaction.
As human beings, we are hardwired to resist change because it brings uncertainty. Those who prefer staying in their comfort zone may subconsciously discourage you in order to maintain the peace and predictability of their own lives.
They might not even realise they’re doing it—it’s just their way of maintaining balance in their world.
4. Protectiveness: The Fear of Seeing You Fail
There’s also the element of protectiveness. Loved ones who care deeply about you might discourage your dreams because they don’t want to see you hurt or disappointed.
They may know firsthand how difficult it can be to chase a dream, and the pain of failure may be so real for them that they want to shield you from it.
They love you and don’t want to see you struggle. But in doing so, they might be inadvertently holding you back from achieving the very things that would lead to your growth, fulfilment, and success. It’s a delicate balance, and sometimes, their protection can feel more like a prison.
5. Jealousy and Envy: Conscious and Unconscious
Jealousy and envy can be subtle but powerful motivators behind discouragement. When you set ambitious goals or start to achieve success, it can trigger feelings of jealousy and envy in others.
This isn’t always malicious—sometimes it’s unconscious. People might not even realise they’re feeling jealous or envious, but those emotions can still influence their reactions to your dreams.
Conscious jealousy arises when someone is fully aware that they want what you have or are achieving. This can lead to direct discouragement, where they intentionally or unintentionally downplay your goals, often to make themselves feel better about their own circumstances. (I discuss this in much more detail in the YouTube version).
The Dopamine Dilemma: Why It’s Important to Keep Some Things to Yourself
We all know the feeling when we’re excited about a new goal, whether it’s starting a fitness routine, launching a business, or writing that book we’ve always dreamed of.
We feel energised, motivated, and ready to tackle the world. So, we share our big idea with friends, family, or even strangers.
We get lots of enthusiastic feedback, high-fives, and congratulatory messages. It feels great, right?
But here’s the catch: Sharing our goals too early can actually hinder our progress in the long run. Let me explain.
1. Dopamine and the Illusion of Achievement
When you share your big goal with someone and they react positively, your brain releases a rush of dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical messenger associated with pleasure, reward, and motivation.
The problem is that this early rush of dopamine can trick your brain into thinking you’ve already achieved something. In your mind, you’ve already received the reward for your goal without actually doing the work to earn it.
This dopamine hit may leave you feeling satisfied, and suddenly, the drive to follow through on the actual work required to make your dream a reality fades.
2. The Power of Action vs. Words
Research shows that when you tell others about your goals, you may actually reduce the likelihood of following through. When you share your goal with someone, the feedback (positive or negative) and attention can fill you up with a sense of fulfilment.
This is especially true if you’re someone who thrives on external validation. If you get a lot of praise, you might feel like you’ve already made progress, even if you haven’t started yet.
3. Silence is Golden: The Power of Keeping Things to Yourself
In my coaching practice, I often advise clients to be selective about whom they share their goals with and sometimes, not to share them at all until they’ve built some momentum.
By waiting until you’ve made real progress, you protect yourself from premature feedback, whether positive or negative, and allow your energy to stay directed toward what matters most: the work
The Wrap-Up
Pursuing your dreams can be a challenging and isolating process, but it’s also one of the most rewarding things you can do. Understanding why people discourage you helps you navigate those moments with more awareness and emotional resilience.
When it comes to sharing your dreams, remember: sometimes, less is more. By protecting your dopamine and focusing on the action rather than the praise, you set yourself up for greater success and fulfilment.
So, keep your dreams alive—just don’t give away too much of their magic before you’re ready to make them real. Keep the fire burning and let your actions speak louder than your words.
What Next?
Again, In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss both the psychology of discouragement and the dopamine dilemma in much more detail and I include five strategies for How to Handle Discouragement and Stay Focused on Your Dreams. You can watch it here.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
