Audio Version (08:33)
In today’s article, we’re going to take a look at something I see frequently in both my coaching practice and my own life:
Repetition compulsion.
It’s that frustrating loop where you keep finding yourself in the same types of relationships… jobs… conflict situations… even emotional states… over and over again.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering, “Why does this keep happening to me?” then this one is for you!
In the extended YouTube version of this article, I also discuss an additional two strategies for overcoming repetition compulsion. You can watch it here.
Introduction
Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same relationship patterns, choosing similar jobs that leave you unfulfilled, or responding to conflict in the same unhelpful way, despite knowing better? If so, you might be caught in a psychological loop known as repetition compulsion.
This isn’t just frustrating, it can be deeply damaging to our confidence, relationships, and professional progress. But here’s the good news: once we understand why we fall into these patterns (spoiler: there’s an evolutionary reason!), we can begin to break free and rewrite the script.
Let’s explore what repetition compulsion is, how it shows up in everyday life, and most importantly three practical strategies to help you move past it.
What Is Repetition Compulsion?
Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon first identified by Sigmund Freud, where a person unconsciously repeats past experiences, especially those that were painful, confusing, or traumatic. The goal? On some level, the brain is trying to “resolve” or “master” the original situation.
In other words, we repeat what hurt us: relationships, roles, and even emotional states, not because we’re foolish or broken, but because our brains are wired to seek familiarity and closure.
But of course, this rarely works. Instead of healing, we end up re-traumatising ourselves, reinforcing limiting beliefs, and staying stuck.
Why Do We Do This? (The Evolutionary Angle)
From an evolutionary perspective, our brains are designed with survival, not happiness, as the primary goal. Here’s how repetition compulsion fits into that:
Familiarity equals safety. Our primitive brain prefers the known, even if it’s painful because it once helped us survive. Familiar patterns feel safer than venturing into the unknown, even when the “known” keeps us stuck or unhappy.
The brain is a prediction machine. If something happens repeatedly in childhood (e.g. being ignored, criticised, or abandoned), the brain logs this as a template for how the world works. We then unconsciously seek out or recreate situations that match that template to maintain a sense of control and predictability.
Completion instinct. We’re driven to “complete the loop”, to go back into painful situations and try to change the outcome. It’s like rewatching the same movie, hoping the ending will be different this time.
Personal and Professional Examples
Personal Example: Romantic Relationships
Ever noticed someone repeatedly dating emotionally unavailable partners? Even if they’re aware of the pattern, they may feel inexplicably drawn to people who evoke the same painful feelings.
Why? Because on some level, they’re trying to “fix” the original wound (for example, a cold or distant parent) by getting a different result with a similar person. But instead of healing, they’re re-traumatised.
Professional Example: Workplace Dynamics
Let’s say someone had a critical or demanding parent. In adulthood, they may find themselves repeatedly drawn to managers or work environments that echo those dynamics.
They might say, “I don’t know why I keep ending up in toxic workplaces,” or “I always end up with bosses who micromanage me.” It feels like bad luck, but it’s actually a case of repetition compulsion at play.
Until they become conscious of the pattern and take deliberate steps to choose differently, they’ll likely continue to repeat the cycle.
Three Strategies to Break the Cycle of Repetition Compulsion
So, how do we stop reliving the same story? Here are three strategies you can use for yourself, your teams, or your clients.
1. Recognise the Pattern (Awareness is Step One)
Start by asking yourself:
What painful experiences from my past do I seem to be recreating?
What types of people or dynamics am I repeatedly drawn to?
Where do I feel like I’ve “been here before”?
Awareness is 80% of the work. Journaling, coaching, or therapy can be powerful tools to uncover hidden patterns. If you find yourself saying, “Why does this keep happening to me?”, start digging into these questions.
💡 Coaching tip: Patterns often reveal themselves in your emotional responses. If your reaction seems bigger than the situation warrants, it may be a clue you’re reliving an old wound.
2. Connect the Dots to Your Past
Once you’ve recognised a pattern, ask:
When did I first feel this way?
Who from my past does this situation or person remind me of?
What need went unmet back then?
This step requires self-compassion. You’re not “doing life wrong”. You’re a human being wired to survive, doing the best you can with the templates you were given.
When you can trace a present challenge back to its emotional origin, you take the power out of the unconscious and bring it into the light, where change becomes possible.
3. Challenge the Narrative
Repetition compulsion is often fuelled by a subconscious belief for example:
“I’m only lovable if I prove my worth.”
“Conflict means I’ll be rejected.”
“Success means I’ll be alone.”
Once you identify the belief that’s running the show, challenge it. Ask:
Is this belief actually true?
Where did it come from?
What new belief could I choose instead?
For example, “I must earn love” could become “I am worthy of love without proving myself.”
These aren’t just affirmations, they’re neural rewrites and over time, they can completely shift how you show up in the world.
The Wrap-up
So often, we beat ourselves up for repeating the same mistakes, “I should know better,” “Why do I keep doing this?” but repetition compulsion isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign that your brain is trying to protect you, in the only way it knows how.
By understanding why we repeat the past, we take the first (and most powerful) step toward lasting change. When we bring awareness to our patterns, compassion to our stories, and courage to our choices, we begin to write a new narrative, one that’s not based on old wounds, but on conscious, empowered living.
What Next?
Again, click here to watch the extended YouTube version of this article, where I also discuss additional two strategies to overcome repetition compulsion.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
