Audio Version (07:11)
Have you ever walked into a room and instantly sensed tension, even though no one had said a word? Or spoken to someone who said they were “fine,” but everything about them screamed otherwise?
Reading people is a vital skill in leadership, coaching, and, frankly, life. It helps us build trust, manage conflict, create psychologically safe spaces, and support those around us more effectively. But it’s not magic. It’s a skill—one we can all develop with intention and practice.
In this article, we’ll explore how to read people more accurately by tuning into verbal and non-verbal cues, increasing your emotional intelligence, and overcoming personal biases that cloud your judgment.
In the extended YouTube version, which you can watch here, I discuss further three tips, including:
1. Understand the Influence of Trauma and Neurodiversity
2. Know Your Own Filters
3. Practice, Reflect, Repeat
Why Being Able to Read People Matters
Whether you’re managing a team, coaching a client, or navigating a tough conversation with a loved one, being able to read the room—or the person—can make all the difference.
Reading people better helps you:
Recognise when someone is struggling, even if they’re masking it.
Respond rather than react in emotionally charged situations.
Ask better questions that get beneath the surface.
Build stronger relationships based on empathy and understanding.
Lead with emotional intelligence, creating environments where people feel seen, heard, and valued.
In short, it makes you a more effective leader, coach, colleague, and human being.
4 Tips for Reading People Better
Tip 1: Start with Observation—But Go Beyond the Obvious
People are constantly communicating, even when they’re not speaking. Our bodies, facial expressions, tone of voice, and micro-expressions all reveal something about our internal state. But many of us are too distracted, or too focused on ourselves, to notice.
What to Pay Attention To:
Facial expressions: Do they match the words? A smile that doesn’t reach the eyes might be masking discomfort.
Body language: Crossed arms could indicate defensiveness, but could also just mean someone’s cold or self-conscious.
Tone and pace of voice: Is someone speaking faster than usual? Quieter? Are they hesitating more?
Micro-behaviours: Eye contact, or not making eye contact, fidgeting, touching the face or neck—these subtle actions can be signs of anxiety, stress, or even deception.
Changes over time: One of the most useful skills is noticing what’s different from a person’s baseline. Has their energy shifted? Are they more withdrawn or agitated than usual?
💡 Coaching tip: Instead of interpreting what you see at face value, get curious. Ask yourself: What might be going on for them? Better still, ask them directly—but gently.
Tip 2: Practice Active Listening
It’s tempting to think that reading people is all about analysing their behaviour. But in reality, listening is one of the most powerful tools we have, and not just listening to what people say but how they say it.
Listen For:
Choice of words: Is someone using a lot of absolutes? (“Always,” “Never,” “Can’t”) That might indicate limiting beliefs.
Themes: Do you notice recurring topics that seem emotionally charged or unresolved?
Energy behind the words: Do they light up when they talk about something—or seem drained by it?
Active listening means being fully present, not thinking about what you’re going to say next or mentally solving the problem before they’ve finished speaking. There’s a term for that, ‘queueing’.
💡 Coaching tip: When people feel truly heard, they’re more likely to open up. You don’t have to have all the answers. Just holding space can be powerful.
Tip 3: Tune Into Your Own Nervous System
Here’s the thing: your body is a sensor. Often, you pick up on other people’s emotions before your conscious mind catches on. You might feel tense, agitated, or drained after interacting with someone and not immediately know why.
Try This:
Check-in with your body before, during, and after interactions. What are you feeling?
Name it: Is that anxiety yours, or might you be picking it up from someone else?
Breathe: Regulating your own nervous system helps you stay grounded and less reactive, which in turn helps others feel psychologically safer with you.
💡 Coaching tip: If someone’s energy consistently makes you feel “off,” that’s worth noticing. Trust your gut but pair it with curiosity, not judgment.
Tip 4: Watch for Incongruence
When someone’s words and actions don’t match, it’s a clue that something else is going on.
For instance:
They say they’re “fine,” but their shoulders are slumped, and they’re avoiding eye contact.
They agree to a task in a meeting but seem hesitant or confused.
They talk about being excited for a change initiative—but their tone is flat or dismissive.
This isn’t about catching people out. It’s about gently exploring what might be going unsaid.
💡 Coaching tip: You might say, “I noticed you said you were OK, but something in your tone made me wonder. Are you sure everything’s all right?”
The Wrap-up
At its core, reading people better isn’t about decoding others like a puzzle. It’s about being present, paying attention, and leading with empathy.
When we slow down, get curious, and put connection at the centre of our interactions, we create the kind of relationships that help people feel safe, seen, and supported.
Again, whether you’re a leader, a coach, a parent, a spouse or just someone who wants to show up better in your relationships, this skill is transformative.
It’s not always easy but it’s worth the effort.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, which you can watch here, I discuss a further three tips, including:
Understand the Influence of Trauma and Neurodiversity
Know Your Own Filters
Practice, Reflect, Repeat
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
