Audio Version (07:52)
Self-doubt is something many of us grapple with at different stages in our lives. It can be a quiet inner voice that questions our abilities, worth, or decisions, often casting a shadow over our self-esteem.
While occasional self-doubt is a normal part of being human, persistent self-doubt can impact not only how we see ourselves but also the types of relationships we attract.
Unfortunately, toxic people, whether professional, social or personal, are often drawn to low self-esteem and chronic self-doubt. When we’re uncertain of ourselves, we may settle for relationships that don’t serve us well or end up accepting treatment that we would otherwise never tolerate.
In this article, I explore why self-doubt can make us susceptible to toxic relationships and the signs to watch for.
In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss six strategies for shifting toward a healthier mindset that attracts more fulfilling and respectful connections. To watch it, click here.
Why Self-Doubt Attracts Toxic People
1. Self-Doubt and Its Impact on Boundaries
One primary way self-doubt influences our relationships is by affecting our boundaries. When we constantly question our worth or second-guess ourselves, it becomes harder to establish firm boundaries with others.
We might hesitate to say “no” or to communicate our needs, fearing we’ll be seen as difficult or risk losing the relationship altogether. This can lead to a pattern of tolerating behaviour that we’re uncomfortable with or even not realising it’s wrong.
For instance, if someone oversteps our boundaries or exhibits disrespectful behaviour, self-doubt may make us feel hesitant to speak up. We might think, “Maybe I’m overreacting,” or “Perhaps they didn’t mean it that way.”
This can lead to a dynamic in which others feel they can cross our boundaries without consequences, which toxic individuals often exploit. Unchecked self-doubt can create an opening for others to take advantage of us or treat us poorly.
2. Low Self-Worth Attracts Validation-Driven Relationships
When we don’t feel confident in ourselves, we may unconsciously seek validation from others to feel worthy. This can lead to a tendency to prioritise external validation over self-acceptance.
In the context of relationships, this means we might rely on partners, friends, family, bosses or co-workers to make us feel valued or “good enough”. This makes us vulnerable to toxic people who recognise this need and exploit it.
Toxic individuals—like narcissists or manipulators—can easily detect when someone is seeking validation and use it to their advantage. They might initially shower us with praise, attention, or affection, creating a “love-bombing” effect.
But once they sense we’re emotionally dependent on their approval, they may start withdrawing affection, acting inconsistently, or even criticising us. This cycle can leave us chasing after their approval, reinforcing their control and amplifying our self-doubt.
3. The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Self-Doubt
Self-doubt often leads to negative thinking patterns, such as assuming we’re not good enough or expecting failure. These thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies as they shape how we interact with others and make decisions.
For example, if we believe we’re not worthy of a healthy, loving relationship, we might subconsciously choose partners who confirm this belief by treating us poorly.
Over time, these toxic dynamics can become reinforcing. The more we’re treated disrespectfully, the more we internalise this behaviour as “normal,” further reinforcing our self-doubt.
This can trap us in a cycle where we continue to attract toxic relationships, unable to break free from the belief that we deserve better, whether that’s in our personal or professional lives.
Self-doubt creates an environment where we unconsciously “settle” for less, reinforcing patterns of unhealthy relationships.
4. Fear of Being Alone and Settling for Less
Another way self-doubt can attract toxic relationships is by creating a fear of being alone. When we lack confidence in ourselves, we may feel that we’re not “complete” or “whole” without a relationship.
This often leads to a fear of solitude, where we’re more willing to settle for less than we deserve rather than risk being alone.
This fear can lead us into relationships with individuals who aren’t respectful, supportive, or kind. We might tolerate unhealthy behaviours or even red flags because our self-doubt convinces us that it’s better to be with someone than to be alone or it’s better to be in any job (even one where you’re abused) rather than being without one.
This fear-based thinking attracts people who are willing to exploit our insecurities for their own gain, and they may use our fear of abandonment as a means of control.
5. Ignoring Red Flags Due to Self-Doubt
Self-doubt can make us second-guess our intuition. When we sense something is off in a relationship, we might dismiss our concerns, thinking, “It’s probably just me overthinking things,” or, “Maybe I’m expecting too much”.
This tendency to override our instincts makes us more vulnerable to staying in toxic relationships longer than we should. Many toxic individuals are skilled at gaslighting—manipulating us into doubting our perceptions and feelings.
If we’re already questioning ourselves, this tactic becomes even more effective. We start to believe the narrative they present to us, leading to greater confusion, emotional exhaustion, and an even deeper erosion of self-trust.
The Wrap-Up
Breaking the cycle of self-doubt and toxic relationships isn’t easy, but it’s a journey that can transform every area of your life.
As you work on building self-trust, self-acceptance, and confidence, you’ll notice a shift in the types of relationships you attract. Healthier, more respectful connections will emerge as you step into your true worth. All of these things I discuss in the YouTube version of this article.
Remember, you deserve to be in relationships that uplift and respect you, not ones that drain you or make you question your value.
By addressing self-doubt and making deliberate changes, you’re paving the way for relationships that reflect your true value—relationships where you’re cherished, supported, and truly valued for who you are.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I also discuss six strategies for shifting toward a healthier mindset that attracts more fulfilling and respectful connections. To watch it, click here.
If there are any specific subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content (it’s always so helpful!) or if you’d like help with any of the topics I discuss, message me at info@jobanks.net.
Finally, if you enjoyed this article and haven’t yet signed up to get my weekly newsletter straight to your inbox, hit the ‘NEWSLETTER’ tab at the top of the page.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
