Audio Version (10:11)
Gaslighting is one of the most psychologically damaging forms of emotional manipulation because it does not just hurt you. It rewires how you see yourself.
It is not simply lying. It is not just disagreeing. Gaslighting is when someone persistently distorts reality in a way that makes you doubt your own memory, perception, feelings, and intentions. Over time, you stop trusting your own mind.
What makes it especially powerful is this: it leaves you feeling like the problem.
You walk away from conversations feeling confused, self-doubting, apologetic, and oddly ashamed. Not because you did something wrong, but because the ground beneath you has been subtly pulled away.
Let’s look at how it works, why people do it, and what is happening inside you when you do not realise it is happening.
In the extended YouTube version of this article, I also discuss how to recognise gaslighting in the moment, a quiet but powerful reframe, and I discuss each of the following sections in more detail. You can watch it here.
What Is Happening Inside You When You Do Not See It
Gaslighting works because it exploits ordinary human instincts like trust, fairness, and self-reflection.
1. You Assume Others Play by the Same Rules
We believe others operate as we do. The sad fact is that some simply don’t.
You would not deliberately lie to distort reality. You would not intentionally confuse someone to protect yourself. You would not twist words to escape responsibility.
So when someone does exactly that, your brain struggles to compute it.
Your mind goes looking for an innocent explanation:
“Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.” (They did)
“Maybe I misunderstood.” (You didn’t)
“Maybe I’m remembering wrong.” (You aren’t)
You are not naïve. You are psychologically healthy in a world where most people try to be fair.
Gaslighters exploit that.
2. You Are Trying to Be Reasonable
You want understanding, not dominance. You want resolution, not victory.
So when someone challenges your version of events, you do what emotionally mature people do. You reflect. You question yourself. You look for your part.
That self-reflection becomes the very thing used against you.
3. Your Nervous System Goes Into Self-Doubt
When reality is repeatedly contradicted, your nervous system shifts into a state of uncertainty.
You become more cautious about speaking. You start rehearsing conversations in your head. You soften your language. You apologise more.
Not because you are wrong, but because your system is trying to stay safe in an environment that feels psychologically unstable.
Subtle Signs You Might Be Being Gaslit
You may notice that:
You feel mentally foggy after interactions with that person.
You struggle to express your thoughts clearly around them.
You constantly replay conversations, trying to work out what really happened.
You begin prefacing things with, “Maybe I’m wrong, but…”
You feel like you have to gather evidence to justify your own feelings.
You doubt your memory in ways you never used to.
Your confidence becomes depleted in ways it never used to.
None of these mean there’s something wrong with YOU. They mean your internal compass is being interfered with.
The Wrap-up
Gaslighting works because it hijacks your humanity. Your empathy. Your fairness. Your willingness to self-reflect.
It makes you feel like the problem when, in reality, you are responding normally to something profoundly abnormal.
If someone consistently leaves you doubting your own mind, shrinking your voice, and questioning your reality, that is not a communication issue. That is psychological manipulation.
You are not “too sensitive.” You are not “making things up.” You are not broken.
You are responding to something that was never designed to be fair in the first place.
In an upcoming article, I’ll discuss how to handle someone who is trying to gaslight you. So, make sure you’re subscribed so that you don’t miss it!
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version of this article, I also discuss how to recognise gaslighting in the moment, a quiet but powerful reframe, and I discuss each of the above sections in more detail. You can watch it here.
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