Audio Version (09:08)
If you’ve been in the workplace long enough, you’ve probably come across different personality types that can make work either a joy or a nightmare.
Some colleagues are supportive, collaborative, and genuinely want everyone to succeed. Others… well, not so much. One of the trickiest and most confusing personalities you may encounter is the victim (or vulnerable) narcissist.
Unlike the classic image of the arrogant, chest-beating narcissist who demands admiration and dominates every conversation, the vulnerable narcissist flies under the radar.
They don’t swagger around the office shouting about their achievements. Instead, they present themselves as the misunderstood, overlooked, or unfairly treated underdog. On the surface, they may even seem humble, gentle, or vulnerable.
But beneath that exterior lies a manipulative streak that can leave teams exhausted, resentful, and second-guessing themselves.
In this article, I’ll explore what the victim/vulnerable narcissist looks like in a work context and why they behave the way they do.
In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss how their presence affects colleagues, managers and organisations. You can watch it here.
What Is a Victim/Vulnerable Narcissist?
At its core, narcissism is about an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for attention, admiration, or validation. But narcissism doesn’t always present as loud or arrogant. The vulnerable narcissist is a subtype that expresses narcissism through insecurity, hypersensitivity, and constant worry about being overlooked.
The victim narcissist is essentially the vulnerable narcissist in action. Instead of saying, “Look at me, I’m amazing,” they say, “Look at me, I’m suffering, and no one understands how hard it is.”
At work, this can make them appear sympathetic at first. After all, most of us naturally want to help someone who seems vulnerable. But over time, their constant victimhood creates tension and drains energy from those around them.
Common Behaviours of the Victim/Vulnerable Narcissist at Work
Vulnerable/victim narcissists can be difficult to spot at first, because they often come across as soft-spoken or even self-deprecating. But once you know the signs, the pattern becomes clearer. Here are some of the most common behaviours in a workplace setting:
1. Blame-Shifting
Nothing is ever their fault. If a project fails, it was because management didn’t give them enough support, their colleagues sabotaged them, or the system is unfair. They rarely take accountability and are quick to point out how they’ve been wronged.
2. Exaggerating Struggles
Everyone has challenges at work, but vulnerable narcissists amplify theirs to gain sympathy. They’ll talk about how overwhelmed they are, how unfairly they’re treated, or how no one appreciates what they do. Their problems always seem bigger and more important than anyone else’s.
3. Fishing for Reassurance
They often downplay their abilities while secretly fishing for compliments. For example, they might say, “I’m just not good enough for this role,” hoping others will rush in with, “Of course you are—you’re brilliant!”
4. Using Guilt as a Tool
Victim narcissists are experts at making others feel guilty for not helping them, not recognising them, or not treating them with enough care. This keeps colleagues on the back foot, constantly worried about upsetting them.
5. Undermining Others Subtly
They might not criticise openly, but they’ll plant seeds of doubt with comments like, “I guess not everyone cares about this project as much as I do,” or “It must be nice to always get recognition”. These statements position them as the wronged party while quietly undermining others.
6. Selective Memory
They’ll remember every slight, perceived insult, or time they felt overlooked. Yet, they’ll conveniently forget times they were supported, praised, or given opportunities. This selective recall helps them maintain their victim narrative.
Why Do They Do It?
Understanding the “why” behind the behaviour doesn’t excuse it, but it can shed light on what drives it. Vulnerable narcissists often grew up in environments where they only received attention when they were suffering or struggling. Over time, they learned that playing the victim was the surest way to get care, validation, or even power.
In the workplace, this dynamic plays out because:
Sympathy brings attention. While grandiose narcissists demand admiration, vulnerable narcissists demand sympathy. Both serve the same function: keeping the spotlight on them.
Avoiding accountability. If everything bad that happens is someone else’s fault, they never have to take responsibility or change their behaviour.
Controlling others. By making colleagues feel guilty or responsible for their well-being, they subtly control relationships and dynamics.
Protecting their ego. Deep down, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem. By framing themselves as victims, they avoid the pain of acknowledging mistakes or shortcomings.
The Subtle Danger
What makes the victim/vulnerable narcissist particularly challenging is their subtlety. Unlike overt narcissists, who are easy to spot and often dealt with quickly, vulnerable narcissists slip under the radar.
They may be seen as sensitive, unlucky, or simply misunderstood. Some managers even give them special treatment, thinking they’re supporting a vulnerable employee, without realising the manipulation at play.
The danger lies in the cumulative effect. A single complaint here or there doesn’t seem like much. But when you add up months or years of blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, and energy-draining conversations, the impact on individuals and organisations can be enormous.
Recognising the Pattern
If you’ve ever walked away from a colleague feeling inexplicably guilty, drained, or second-guessing yourself, even though you’ve done nothing wrong, you may have encountered a victim/vulnerable narcissist.
The key sign is the persistent pattern of victimhood.
Everyone faces setbacks, but most people bounce back, learn, and grow. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, cling to their victim status as a core part of their identity.
The Wrap-up
The victim/vulnerable narcissist is one of the most confusing personalities to encounter at work. On the surface, they may seem like the office underdog, the one who never gets a fair break. But behind the façade is a manipulative strategy to gain attention, avoid accountability, and control those around them.
Left unchecked, their behaviour can erode morale, divide teams, and drain both colleagues and managers. Recognising the signs is the first step in understanding what’s happening.
If you’re nodding along and thinking of someone in your workplace, you’re not alone. Many people encounter this dynamic without having the words to describe it. Now that you do, you can see it for what it is and protect your own energy and sanity.
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I also discuss how their presence affects colleagues, managers and organisations. You can watch it here.
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