Audio Version (08:46)
If you’ve come out of an abusive or bullying relationship, whether it was with a partner, friend, manager or even family member, you might be feeling like your confidence has taken a massive hit.
Abuse has a way of creeping into your self-worth, leaving you questioning your decisions, doubting your instincts, and feeling disconnected from the person you used to be.
As you’ll know if you’ve been following me for a while or indeed if you’ve done any work with me, one thing I specialise in is helping clients recover from toxic, bullying and narcissistic relationships and workplaces.
In this article, I’ll guide you through three out of eight steps to reclaiming your confidence after an abusive relationship. We’ll look at how to recognise what you’ve been through, how to quiet that harsh inner critic, and how to reconnect with yourself and your values.
I’ll share practical tools for rebuilding your self-trust, setting boundaries, and gently shifting those unhelpful thoughts that keep you stuck.
No matter who the relationship was with, abuse leaves a mark. One of the most painful aftershocks is the way it erodes your self-esteem and confidence.
But here’s the powerful truth:
You can rebuild. You can reclaim your confidence and you can thrive again.
To watch the extended YouTube version where I describe the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, together with an additional five steps to reclaiming your power, click here.
The Confidence Crash
People who’ve experienced abusive relationships often describe feeling like they’ve been hollowed out. They don’t trust themselves. They question their worth. They shrink themselves to avoid upsetting others.
You might recognise some of these signs:
Chronic self-doubt
Fear of making decisions (in case you “get it wrong” again)
Over apologising
Over explaining
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Feeling like a ‘shell’ of your former self
Here’s what I want you to know:
This didn’t happen because you’re weak. It happened because you were repeatedly made to doubt yourself.
Abuse, especially psychological abuse, including coercive control and emotional manipulation, works by slowly wearing you down. It’s not your fault. However, you can reclaim your power.
Three Steps to Begin Reclaiming Your Power
Step One: Name the Experience
The first step in healing is recognising what happened, without minimising it.
You might not feel ready to use the word “abuse,” and that’s okay. You can call it mistreatment, manipulation, control, or emotional harm. What matters is that you stop excusing behaviour that hurt or IS hurting you.
You might say to yourself:
· “That relationship wasn’t healthy.”
· “I was or am constantly made to feel small or unimportant.”
· “They controlled me—how I spoke, what I wore, what I thought.”
· “I wasn’t allowed to be myself.”
· “I had to change who I am to be what they wanted me to be.”
· “I had to walk on eggshells, and that’s not how healthy relationships work.”
If you’re wondering whether your experience “counts,” it does. Emotional abuse, coercive control, and toxic behaviour can be just as damaging as more visible forms of harm.
Often working with clients who’ve experienced abuse, they say something like, ‘But others have it far worse than me, after all, they didn’t physically hurt me!’
Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. In fact, emotional abuse can be far more hurtful and can take much longer to recover from.
Naming what has happened or what is happening to you can help you see it for what it is. Gaslighting is a large part of any abusive relationship, where the person twists things to make you believe that their mistreatment is normal.
Step Two: Silence the Inner Critic
After abuse, many people internalise the voice of their abuser. It shows up as your own inner critic, saying things like:
“I’m such a mess.”
“I should’ve seen it sooner.”
“I can’t trust myself.”
Here’s the thing: that voice isn’t yours. It’s been conditioned into you, and just like it was planted, it can be replaced.
Try this:
Catch the thought (“Ah, I’m being hard on myself again.”)
Label it (“That’s not me—that’s their voice echoing.”)
Replace it (“I’m allowed to be kind to myself.”)
You won’t get it perfect every time, but each time you interrupt that voice, you weaken its power.
Step Three: Reconnect With Yourself
Abusive relationships often force you to disconnect from your wants, needs, and instincts. You may have learned to appease others or go silent just to feel safe.
Now, the goal is to reconnect with you. Some ways to do that:
1. Write a list of what you love or value (even if it’s buried).
Often, especially in intimate relationships, the victim has been so controlled that they don’t even know what they like to eat, the clothes they like to wear, or what they enjoy doing.
They have been so conditioned to meet the needs of the abuser that it can be scary to have to think for themselves. If you relate to this, please know that your feelings are valid!
2. Ask yourself questions
Questions like “What do I want?” or “How do I feel?” “What do I like?” “What would make ME happy?” “What’s one small thing I can do for myself right now?”
3. Reclaim hobbies or passions
Reclaim the things that were discouraged, mocked or that you no longer had the time or energy to do. Often, when we enter into an abusive relationship (regardless of the type), we drop all our hobbies and passions to care for the other person or because we simply don’t have the time or energy.
Abusers make it impossible to maintain those things. They want your focus on them! So, cast your mind back to what you used to enjoy before the relationship began. Or try something entirely new!
4. Spend time alone intentionally
Spend time alone, not as avoidance, but as a form of self-reconnection. Go for walks on your own, go shopping on your own, and spend time in the house alone.
However, it’s essential that you avoid numbing activities when doing this. Numbing is the FREEZE aspect of the fight, flight, freeze stress response. So, avoid Netflix bingeing, social media scrolling, overeating, and so on.
You’ve spent enough time being who someone else wanted you to be. Now’s the time to rediscover who you are. You’re still in there, honest!
The Wrap Up
If someone broke your trust, manipulated your emotions, or tried to make you small, you are not the problem. You were harmed, and you survived. That alone is a testament to your strength.
Reclaiming your confidence isn’t about becoming who you were before. It’s about becoming someone even more grounded, self-aware, and powerful—because now you know what to look for, and you know what you deserve.
You are not too sensitive. You are not overreacting. You are learning to choose yourself, and that is incredibly brave.
Finally, one thing I said to a therapist many years ago that might just resonate with you and is testament to what I say about education being paramount, I said, ‘Why do I keep attracting these abusive people?’
He replied, ‘It’s not that you attract them any more than the next person. It’s that you allow them to stay!’
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I describe the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, together with an additional five steps to reclaiming your power. Click here to watch.
If you do go over to YouTube, please be sure to Like, Comment and Subscribe. It’s completely free (as is a YouTube membership if you don’t have one – you also do not need a Google account, you can use your regular email address to sign up) and takes seconds. It really does make a massive difference in helping me get this free content in front of more people.
If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
