Audio Version (09:26)
We all know that workplace relationships can be challenging at times. Whether it’s a passive-aggressive colleague, a micromanaging boss, or a drama-stirring team member, navigating people dynamics takes skill and patience. But sometimes, what you’re dealing with isn’t just a difficult personality, it’s something more insidious.
One behaviour that many people don’t recognise until it’s too late is reactive abuse. It’s subtle, manipulative, and incredibly damaging. Worse still, if you’re on the receiving end, you can end up looking like the problem. That’s what we’re talking about in today’s article.
To watch the YouTube version of this article, click here.
What Is Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse happens when someone repeatedly pokes, prods, baits or provokes you, often in subtle or underhanded ways, until you eventually snap. When you do, they point the finger at you, claiming you’re the abuser, you’re aggressive, or you have anger issues.
It’s a manipulation tactic that flips the script. You’re reacting to emotional or psychological harm, but they weaponise your reaction against you. It’s particularly common in toxic relationships, personal and professional alike.
Real-Life Example:
Let’s say your colleague keeps undermining you in meetings, makes jokes at your expense, or subtly questions your competence in front of others. You try to ignore it, but it builds.
One day, after yet another sarcastic dig, you snap and raise your voice. Suddenly, you look like the unprofessional one. They stay calm, shake their head, and say something like, “Wow, I didn’t realise you were so sensitive.”
That’s a classic example of reactive abuse.
How to Spot Reactive Abuse at Work
Here are a few tell-tale signs:
1. You’re Walking on Eggshells
You’re constantly second-guessing what you say or do because you’re worried about being triggered or pushed into a reaction.
2. They Always Look Innocent
The person doing the provoking seems to stay calm and collected. They may even play the victim while you appear “emotional” or “difficult.”
3. They Use Triggers They Know Upset You
They’ve picked up on what gets under your skin and push those buttons repeatedly, often in subtle or deniable ways.
4. They Twist the Narrative
When you finally react, they retell the story in a way that makes you look irrational, aggressive, or unstable.
5. You Keep Apologising for Your Reactions
Even though their behaviour led to your response, you find yourself saying sorry, questioning your actions, or feeling ashamed.
This isn’t just annoying behaviour; it’s a form of psychological manipulation. Left unchecked, it can damage your confidence, reputation, and even your career.
5 Ways to Deal With Reactive Abuse at Work
Here’s the good news: once you recognise reactive abuse for what it is, you can take steps to protect yourself. Here are five strategies that can help, including some simple comebacks to use in the moment.
1. Stay Calm and Document Everything
Easier said than done, but staying calm is your power move. The person provoking you wants you to lose it; in fact, they’re counting on it. If you can stay grounded, you take away their weapon.
Start documenting what’s happening. Keep a dated record of incidents, what was said or done, and how you responded. This isn’t about revenge; it’s about having facts if you ever need to escalate the issue.
Here are some calm comeback ideas: “I’d appreciate it if we could keep this professional.” “Let’s stick to the topic; personal comments aren’t helpful.”
2. Use the Grey Rock Technique
This technique is often used when dealing with narcissists. You make yourself as boring and unresponsive as possible, no emotion, no drama, just flat, neutral responses.
When someone tries to provoke you, don’t bite. Respond with short, factual statements and then disengage.
Grey rock responses: “Noted.” “OK.” “Thanks for your input.”
These responses give them nothing to work with and reduce their power over you.
I have an entire video on the Grey Rock technique. You can watch it here.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
Once you’ve identified someone’s pattern of behaviour, it’s time to get clear on your boundaries. You don’t need to justify them… you just need to enforce them.
For example, if someone repeatedly interrupts or belittles you in meetings, say:
Boundary-setting statement: “Please let me finish.” or “I’m happy to discuss this, but not if I’m being spoken over.”
If the boundary is crossed again, don’t argue. Remove yourself from the situation if needed, or take it to a manager or HR with your documentation.
4. Flip the Mirror Gently
Sometimes, people aren’t aware of how toxic their behaviour is, especially if they’ve got away with it for years. Without being aggressive, you can reflect their behaviour back to them.
Try saying:
Mirror statements: “Can you help me understand what you meant by that comment?” “When you said that in the meeting, it felt undermining. Was that your intention?”
You’re not accusing, you’re inviting reflection. It also puts them on notice that you see what they’re doing.
5. Get Support
This one’s critical. Reactive abuse messes with your head. It makes you question your instincts and doubt your own experience. Speak to someone you trust, whether it’s a colleague, coach, friend, or therapist. You’re not being dramatic. You’re recognising harmful behaviour.
If you feel safe doing so, report it to your manager or HR. This is where your documentation becomes vital.
Comeback if they try to gaslight you: “That’s not how I remember it. I’ve kept a record of what was said.”
That one statement alone can shift the power dynamic.
I’ve published an entire video on what to do if you think you’re being bullied or are working in a toxic environment. It takes you step by step through what to do. You can watch it here.
The Wrap-up
Reactive abuse is a mind game, and it thrives on confusion, guilt, and silence. By learning to spot it, naming it, and dealing with it calmly and confidently, you take away its power.
If you’ve been on the receiving end, it’s not your fault. You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re responding to manipulation and harm. The fact that you reacted doesn’t make you the problem. It makes you human.
But now you’ve got tools to handle it differently. I have a video and article coming up that gives comebacks for many common workplace bullying issues. So make sure you’re subscribed!
If this article resonates with you, you’re not alone. Sadly, reactive abuse is more common in workplaces than many people realise. Whether you’ve experienced it yourself or seen it happen to others, awareness is the first step to change.
If you want more down-to-earth advice on navigating tricky work relationships, building confidence, and protecting your mental health at work, feel free to check out my other blog posts and YouTube videos.
You deserve to feel safe and respected at work. Always.
What Next?
Again, to watch the YouTube version of this article, click here.
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