Audio Version (08:10)
We’ve all been there. You notice a friend, family member, or work colleague seems different. Maybe they’ve gone quieter. Perhaps they’re irritable, tearful, or not showing up as they usually do. Something’s off, but you don’t know what. You want to reach out, but you’re unsure how.
What if you say the wrong thing? What if you offend them? What if you make it worse? If you’re truly honest with yourself, perhaps part of you feels uncomfortable being around someone who is clearly struggling. It’s easier to say nothing and hope they open up when they’re ready.
But here’s the thing: saying nothing often does more harm than good. In today’s article, we’re discussing how to help someone when you don’t know what to say.
In the extended YouTube version, I discuss a further two strategies for what to say when you don’t know what to say, including how to avoid getting into a ‘my life’s worse than yours’ competition. You can watch it here.
When people are going through grief, mental or physical illness, burnout, or even just a tough patch, they often feel isolated. Not knowing how to help is completely normal, but staying silent can make them feel invisible or like no one cares.
So, what can you do instead?
Say Something (Even If It Feels Awkward)
The most important piece of advice I can give you is this: say something. Even if you fumble your words. Even if you don’t have the perfect thing to say. Even if it feels awkward.
It’s better to say, “I’m not sure what to say, but I just wanted to check in,” than to say nothing at all.
People rarely expect you to have all the answers. They just want to feel seen, heard, and cared for.
Try saying something like:
“I’ve noticed you don’t seem quite yourself lately. Is everything OK?”
“I don’t want to pry, but I wanted to check in. I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I don’t know what you’re going through, but I care and I’m here for you.”
“You’ve been on my mind. How are you really doing?”
Even a short text or message can make a difference. Silence can feel like abandonment when someone is in pain. Your words, however imperfect, can be the rope they need to feel less alone.
Ask What They Need
Once you’ve opened the door, the next step is to ask what they need.
Not what you think they need. Not what you would want in their shoes. But what they need.
This is key. Many of us jump into problem-solving mode too quickly. We offer advice, solutions, or try to cheer them up when, actually, they just need us to sit with them in their discomfort.
Simon Sinek (author and motivational speaker) calls it ‘sitting in the mud’ with someone.
Here are a few things you can ask:
“Would it help to talk it through, or would you rather just have some company?”
“Do you want me to listen or help you find some solutions?”
“Would it feel good to get out for a walk or coffee, or do you just want to rest?”
“How can I support you right now?”
Let them tell you. They may not even know straight away, and that’s OK. Letting them lead the conversation gives them back a sense of control and lets them know you’re not going to push them into doing or saying something they’re not ready for.
Don’t Try to Fix It Straight Away
This is a hard one for many of us, especially if you’re naturally a helper. But resist the urge to fix.
Jumping in with “have you tried…” or “you just need to…” can feel dismissive, even if it comes from a good place.
People often need space to process what they’re going through before they can even think about solutions. Rushing in with advice can shut down the conversation or make them feel misunderstood.
Instead, try:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I can’t imagine how that must feel.”
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“I’m here with you. Take your time.”
Holding space for someone, just being with them without judgment or agenda, is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.
It’s OK to Be Honest About Your Discomfort
Let’s be real. Other people’s pain can make us feel vulnerable too. It reminds us of our own fragility, our own losses, our own dark nights of the soul.
It’s completely human to feel uncomfortable when someone is grieving, depressed, anxious, or dealing with chronic illness. But avoiding them doesn’t help, and neither does pretending you’re totally fine when you’re not.
You can name your discomfort gently, like this:
“I’m not sure what to say, and I don’t want to get it wrong, but I do care and I’m here.”
“I feel a bit clumsy trying to support you, but I don’t want that to stop me from showing up.”
This kind of honesty can build trust and connection. It shows you’re not there to fix or rescue, but simply to stand alongside them.
If You Sense Something’s Off, Don’t Ignore It
Sometimes, the signs are subtle: someone withdraws slightly, replies less often, or seems a bit “off.” It might feel too small to mention, but these little changes can be early indicators that someone is struggling.
Saying something simple like:
“You’ve been a bit quiet lately. How are you doing?”
“I miss your energy. Are you OK?”
…can be just the invitation they need.
Even if they say they’re fine, they’ll know you noticed. That can be comforting in itself.
Respect Their Boundaries
Not everyone will want to talk, and not everyone will want your support. That’s OK.
What matters is that you’ve offered. You’ve let them know you’re there.
If someone doesn’t open up right away, you can still say:
“No pressure to talk now, but if that ever changes, I’m here.”
“Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Let me know if you need anything.”
Leave the door open without forcing it.
The Wrap-up
Most of us feel unqualified to support someone in pain, but here’s the truth:
You don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need to fix it. You just need to care and show up.
Whether someone is grieving, dealing with illness, or just not quite themselves, saying something kind, asking what they need, and offering a listening ear can make all the difference.
People heal better when they feel seen. Your presence, your care, and your willingness to sit with their pain, even in silence, can be more powerful than you’ll ever know.
So next time you’re wondering, “Should I say something?”
Yes. Say something…
What Next?
Again, in the extended YouTube version, I discuss a further two strategies for what to say when you don’t know what to say, including how to avoid getting into a ‘my life’s worse than yours’ competition. You can watch it here.
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If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you’d like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please email me at info@jobanks.net.
However, recently, I’ve received many emails and DMs from people asking for my views on their personal/professional situations. Unfortunately, for a number of reasons, I can’t provide individual advice unless you are a client.
As always, thanks for your continued support.
